3 months.....

How can it even be?  3 months have gone by since you went to Heaven.  The first 3 months of your life just flew by and I kept saying you were just growing up way too fast!!  I don't even remember the last 3 months....without you here I just live in a fog.  I am surviving....but I just don't feel like I can even "live" without the most important person in my life here with me.  My mind just goes everywhere about  what my life is possibly going to look like now.  There are no guarantees for tomorrow. Once we found out we were pregnant with you, my whole life changed!  I had so many hopes for you and I looked forward to watching you grow up and be that precious little girl that would one day get married and give me some grandbabies.  But all those hopes were ripped away from me the moment you left.

I am more than thankful that God blessed us with you.  You are the most precious gift your daddy and I could ever receive.  I am also thankful that you are being so well taken care of.  I know you are having the most wonderful life in Heaven and you have so many angel friends.  I would give anything in this world to have you right here with me, but unfortunately that is not an option that I get.  But.....I do know that we will be together again one day....and I look forward to that day!! And no, I am not suicidal, but after losing a child you lose that fear of death and look forward to the day when you get to go through (or run through :) ) those Heaven gates because you have someone who is more than special to you there waiting for you! That will be the most wonderful day....I can't wait to have eternity with you.

I hope you liked the flowers that mommy brought you this morning.  I bought green ones since it's getting close to St. Patrick's Day. (and it matches all your other decorations that you have with you)  This morning was really rough for me.  It just hurt so much knowing that it was the 6th.  I hate being reminded of why I hate that date SO MUCH! I have those horrible thoughts more than I want to, but when it's the 6th (especially in the morning) I am hauntingly reminded of December 6th and everything that came along with it.  Being with you and talking to you gave me a sense of calmness before I went to work.  I was glad that I could stay busy at work today....I think God wanted it to snow so I wouldn't have to be at the school today.  I haven't been at the school on the 6th since that day....I am glad that I haven't been either, I just think that would make that day even worse.  I can't deal with those feelings.

I love you more than anything in this world princess.  I hope you sang lots of songs today and played with all of your friends.  I MISS YOU!!

I took this picture of you December 5 when we were getting ready to go for the day.  You were always such a happy little baby, especially in the morning.  I know you are continuing to make people smile.  You will make me smile for the rest of my life knowing that you are mine.