Hard week....

This week has just been so hard for me.  I have hit a new level of fear.  I knew it was coming, I knew there would be many things that I would fear for our new little baby that is growing in my belly. I have thought a lot this week about the last time I got to hold my precious little Ellie and just how life is just so unexpected.  I would have done ANYTHING to stop that HORRID day and just have her here....but I didn't have that option.  This fear consumes me everyday of my life.  I hate the horrible images I have in my head from "that day."  Just when I thought I was worried about Ellie....I have found a new level of worry that comes along with fear.  I just pray for this baby to stay healthy and right here on this Earth with their mommy and daddy.  I know Ellie is watching over us everyday as well as her little brother/sister.  I can just see her smiling knowing she is going to be a BIG SISTER and she will protect this baby in every way that she can.

Another thing that has been bothering me is when people say how strong I am.  I know it is a nice thing for people to say, and maybe they do think I am strong, but I don't feel strong at all.  I feel so weak.  People get to see the hard shell I put on everyday to face the world so I don't have to have all the questions.  They don't get to see the inside of me where I am screaming every second and thinking about the HORRIBLE day or how everything is just torn apart....especially my heart.  This is the true meaning of a broken heart.  There will always be a hole.  All I know is that I am "surviving" that worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me and I owe it all to having faith.  Don't get me wrong...having the best husband, family and friends is a HUGE help as well....but I could not do this without God.  He gives me the love and comfort I need everyday and also gives me a sense of peace when I need it most.  I know He or Ellie give me signs letting me know everything will be ok.  I am truly thankful to God for blessing us with Ellie and now another precious gift.

Ellie, mommy and daddy love and miss you more than anything. I wish more than anything I could have you here right here in my arms but I know that one day I will get to hold you again and that will be for ETERNITY! I can't wait for that day....I will never let you go!

Sleep tight princess. Mommy will come visit in the morning <3

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

The most precious picture <3 This was at her 3 month photo shoot.  I just loved when she would rub her eyes when she was tired.  We recently got this picture along with a few others from our photographer.  I had asked if she had any pictures of Ellie that she had not given us and this was one of them.  I love it so much.  It came at the right time because I was really missing her and taking her picture everyday.  And it was the week of Mother's Day.  God and Ellie worked together to make that happen....they knew I needed it <3