Approaching 16 weeks....

As Olivia approaches being 16 weeks old, I am just a ball of emotions. Sad, scared, anxious.... It just takes me back to when Ellie was here. I want more than anything to be able to experience my baby's life after that point and I know I  will with Olivia, it's just heartbreaking that I didn't get to with Ellie. Up to this point I have been able to relate the girls doing so many things the same and I won't be able to after this because I don't have those memories with Ellie. That just breaks my heart. 

I'm also nervous because I have never parented past 16 weeks, so it will be like being a first time mom even when I am not. I love being a mom more than anything. I often tell myself I am a special kind of mom because my heart is in two places, Heaven and Earth. I'm sure I will be an emotional mess as I experience all these "firsts" with Olivia that I didn't get with Ellie, but I will continue to thank God for each one of those memories. 

Losing a child changes your life in so many ways. Ellie has given me strength that I never knew I had and makes me appreciate life in such a different way. I am able to be thankful for the "small stuff" that many people take for granted and I try my hardest to love and be happy with what I have been given everyday. I am thankful that God and Ellie have helped me every step of the way through this journey of grief. Sometimes I can't believe that I have made it this far, but I have and it's all because of them. 

Mommy loves and misses you so much, Ellie. I am so thankful that you are my baby and I know I will see you again.... And it will be for eternity then ❤️

This picture is the day before Ellie passed and turned 16 weeks old. I cherish this picture so much. Man I miss her.