16 weeks.....

Yesterday, Olivia turned 16 weeks old. This was another hard bump to overcome in my grief journey. When Ellie passed away at 16 weeks old exactly, I was terrified the same would happen to her sister. Even though I know anything could happen at anytime in life, I have so much faith that God will keep Olivia here with her mommy and daddy with her big sister always watching over her. 

The days leading up to these "bumps" that give me so much fear and anxiety. They're the worst. I cried just hoping and praying that those days wouldn't be the last with my baby. I can't help but fear and think these horrible thoughts from what I have been through. But, having a strong faith is what gets me through. I know that I will be able to experience everything this earth has to offer with Olivia. God is going to provide Marc and I with the strength and guidance in raising Olivia in a life where she can follow God. 

Today is a new day. I now will get the chance to parent past 16 weeks old. I know I WILL get to see Livvy eat foods, crawl, walk, go to the beach, go to school, make friends, get her license, graduate from high school and college, get her first job, get married, have kids and everything else God has planned for her here with us. I cannot thank God enough for blessing us with her and putting so much love back into our hearts. I know Ellie worked with God and asked Him to send her little sister to us to help us love and smile again. I feel Ellie's presence everyday and feel so blessed with having two precious and beautiful girls. I am so thankful. ❤️

Approaching 16 weeks....

As Olivia approaches being 16 weeks old, I am just a ball of emotions. Sad, scared, anxious.... It just takes me back to when Ellie was here. I want more than anything to be able to experience my baby's life after that point and I know I  will with Olivia, it's just heartbreaking that I didn't get to with Ellie. Up to this point I have been able to relate the girls doing so many things the same and I won't be able to after this because I don't have those memories with Ellie. That just breaks my heart. 

I'm also nervous because I have never parented past 16 weeks, so it will be like being a first time mom even when I am not. I love being a mom more than anything. I often tell myself I am a special kind of mom because my heart is in two places, Heaven and Earth. I'm sure I will be an emotional mess as I experience all these "firsts" with Olivia that I didn't get with Ellie, but I will continue to thank God for each one of those memories. 

Losing a child changes your life in so many ways. Ellie has given me strength that I never knew I had and makes me appreciate life in such a different way. I am able to be thankful for the "small stuff" that many people take for granted and I try my hardest to love and be happy with what I have been given everyday. I am thankful that God and Ellie have helped me every step of the way through this journey of grief. Sometimes I can't believe that I have made it this far, but I have and it's all because of them. 

Mommy loves and misses you so much, Ellie. I am so thankful that you are my baby and I know I will see you again.... And it will be for eternity then ❤️

This picture is the day before Ellie passed and turned 16 weeks old. I cherish this picture so much. Man I miss her. 

Hard day....

Yesterday was a day full of anxiety. When your sister was born, I asked the pediatrician for a sleep apnea monitor for her so I could have a little peace of mind when trying to sleep through the night. It has been a huge blessing to have that monitor for her because it lets me know if something isn't right. Yes, we have had a few false alarms where a connection would come loose, but I would take many false alarms rather then not knowing something was wrong and the worst thing ever happening again.

The night before, Livvy's monitor kept going off with the light of low heart rate on. It not only happened once, but it happened 5 times throughout the night. Of course I panic and think the most awful thoughts and call the apnea company (since the ped would want to know what their settings were first) first thing in the morning.  Of course it took them forever to call me back and the alarm still went off through her morning nap. Finally, after a couple of hours, they called and explained that she is just growing and the setting on the monitor is still set to newborn. After they check the monitor every month, they look at where her resting heat rate is and change the monitor to her "normal." I guess it wasn't done last time bc the dr hadn't ordered it yet! Ugh! So after a day full of worry, she is healthy and safe right here beside me. 

It's crazy how after you went to heaven how quickly anxiety and worry sets in and I start to think the worst. I just have to tell myself to breathe and pray to God that everything will be alright. I know you are always watching over us and that makes me feel comfort. One of the hardest things I am trying to overcome is to "have faith, not fear." It's so hard to just let go when we have been through the worst thing imaginable on this earth. It's a constant struggle, but I am working on it. There is no time limit to my feelings and I know some days will be harder than others, but I know I can always count on my faith to get me through. I know that is how I have made it this far and I am thankful for that. 

I miss you more and more each day, Ellie. Your sister does so many things like you and it makes me smile and melts my heart. I feel like you have taught her some of these things (like sticking your tongue out) because you want to see mommy smile. And it works :) she has the best big sister in the world to look up to. I am more than blessed to have you both ❤️

I love you so much, pretty girl. 

Livvy sticking her tongue out at mommy :)

Just like you :) 

Christmas

Christmas is just right around the corner and every little thing we do to get ready for the holiday makes me remember that we don't have you here to celebrate this joyous day with... Again. Last year was extremely hard because you had just went to heaven just a few weeks before. This year will still be just as hard. I sit here and wonder what Christmas jammies you would be wearing, what kinds of gifts you would be getting and what you would have thought about opening presents. Would you have liked to see Santa? Or would you have screamed? There are so many things that I wish we could have done with you and I continue to want those things this year too. 

This year is a little different... Your baby sister is now here! She has brought us so much joy that I never thought possible. It is so bittersweet that we get to have her first Christmas this year and we never got that with you. But, I know that you will be right here celebrating with us Christmas morning. I just wish I could see you sitting by your sister and opening all her gifts too.... 

This year, you got your own little tree so that Olivia can put an ornament on it just for sissy. I felt this would be a good way as she gets older to connect with you during Christmas time. Of course you still have all your ornaments on the big tree, but this is something special for just her to do <3 one day she can pick out her own ornament for you :) 

I know you will have the greatest Christmas of all, by celebrating with Jesus himself. I can't even imagine the celebration you angels have on that day. 

Your family loves and misses you so much, baby girl. Keep sending us feathers and come visit in my dreams anytime!! It's been way too long since I have been able to see you. Love you, princess. 

A priceless picture we have of you and your little sister! I LOVE it! It is on the Christmas card this year <3

December 6

This past week we went through one of the hardest days that I never wanted to come up to, the day that Ellie passed. Usually the days leading up to the date I am anxious about seem to be the worst, but this time I didn't do as bad as I usually do. (I thank God for putting kiss Olivia in our lives at this time because I had her to snuggle and love on). 

The night of the 5th was rather rough as I remembered it being the last night that I got to put Ellie to bed and do our nightly routine. Getting up to nurse Olivia that night was rather hard and I cried very time but held her ever so tightly. I talked to her about her sister thinking that would help my emotions, but it only made it worse because I wanted both of my girl here together rather than just telling Olivia about her big sister. I made it through the rest of the night with little sleep because all I could do is remember the 6th. I wanted so bad to go to bed that night and wake up and it just be the 7th... But obviously that doesn't happen. 

The day of the 6th, the morning, was even harder. I found myself staring at the clock and remembering all the times the things occurred that awful day a year ago. I found a huge relief/overcame a hurdle that morning after the time of her passing. That was the hardest time for me. I didn't want to come up to that time and have to remember why I hated it so much but I did and I made it. 

We spent the rest of the day as a family and went to visit miss Ellie and decorate for her for Christmas. My family stayed the night with us that night and brought us pizza and movies! It was a nice way to end the day and I am glad we had family to surround us with love knowing that day was hard on all of us. 

The biggest thing was... WE MADE IT! I can't believe it has been a year since we have held our precious little girl. That hurts more than anything. I miss her more and more with each passing day. I will never stop loving, missing or remembering her. 

Mommy loves and misses you so much, Ellie Olivia ❤️

The last picture I took of my pretty girl ❤️

Welcome, Olivia Faith 💗

LIt has been a long time since I have been I here to post (I know I say that about everytime 😊) but I have a lot on my mind these days and sometimes I feel like this is the best way to get it all out. 

On November 20, we welcomed Ellie's little sister Olivia into our lives! She weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long! We feel more than blessed that god has given us another precious baby I love and snuggle on. We never knew how much joy Olivia could bring us through this grief storm. God knew exactly when we needed Olivia the most ❤️ 

Meet Miss Olivia 💗

My heart will always have a hole in it from losing our precious Ellie, but Olivia has put so much of that love back into my heart that I never knew was ever possible. I thank God everyday for the beautiful blessings that he has given us. I know Ellie watches over us everyday ❤️

When we were at the hospital, right before Olivia was born, a little white feather came floating down and was circling around Marc and I. I just knew that was Ellie there with us. Then, the next day, I was holding Olivia and a little white feather floated down and lande right beside me on the bed. I felt like Ellie was telling me that that was where she would be sitting to meet her new baby sister. It melts my heart to receive signs like this to let is know she is here. I continue to find white feathers on Olivia quite often.

  

A feather for Miss Olivia ❤️

Mommy loves you, Miss Ellie ❤️

Day 1: Sunrise

A couple of weeks ago, I pulled my car over to take a picture of this beautiful sunrise.  There was something about this sunrise that made me smile.  As I stared at the sun rising on my way to work, I felt a sense of calmness as I smiled.  I just knew my pretty girl was looking at the same beautiful sunrise in Heaven.  Sometimes I stare at the beautiful things on this Earth that God has created and just take it all in.  It is so easy to just take the small things that He created for granted because life gets in the way.  I never take enough time to just admire these beautiful things and thank Him for all that He is given us. I felt as though Ellie was telling me to enjoy this sunrise because she was too.  No matter where she is, I will always be her mommy and we can still enjoy these special moments together <3  I love you so much, Ellie Olivia.  

Thank you for letting mommy see the beauty in this.