Christmas

Christmas is just right around the corner and every little thing we do to get ready for the holiday makes me remember that we don't have you here to celebrate this joyous day with... Again. Last year was extremely hard because you had just went to heaven just a few weeks before. This year will still be just as hard. I sit here and wonder what Christmas jammies you would be wearing, what kinds of gifts you would be getting and what you would have thought about opening presents. Would you have liked to see Santa? Or would you have screamed? There are so many things that I wish we could have done with you and I continue to want those things this year too. 

This year is a little different... Your baby sister is now here! She has brought us so much joy that I never thought possible. It is so bittersweet that we get to have her first Christmas this year and we never got that with you. But, I know that you will be right here celebrating with us Christmas morning. I just wish I could see you sitting by your sister and opening all her gifts too.... 

This year, you got your own little tree so that Olivia can put an ornament on it just for sissy. I felt this would be a good way as she gets older to connect with you during Christmas time. Of course you still have all your ornaments on the big tree, but this is something special for just her to do <3 one day she can pick out her own ornament for you :) 

I know you will have the greatest Christmas of all, by celebrating with Jesus himself. I can't even imagine the celebration you angels have on that day. 

Your family loves and misses you so much, baby girl. Keep sending us feathers and come visit in my dreams anytime!! It's been way too long since I have been able to see you. Love you, princess. 

A priceless picture we have of you and your little sister! I LOVE it! It is on the Christmas card this year <3

December 6

This past week we went through one of the hardest days that I never wanted to come up to, the day that Ellie passed. Usually the days leading up to the date I am anxious about seem to be the worst, but this time I didn't do as bad as I usually do. (I thank God for putting kiss Olivia in our lives at this time because I had her to snuggle and love on). 

The night of the 5th was rather rough as I remembered it being the last night that I got to put Ellie to bed and do our nightly routine. Getting up to nurse Olivia that night was rather hard and I cried very time but held her ever so tightly. I talked to her about her sister thinking that would help my emotions, but it only made it worse because I wanted both of my girl here together rather than just telling Olivia about her big sister. I made it through the rest of the night with little sleep because all I could do is remember the 6th. I wanted so bad to go to bed that night and wake up and it just be the 7th... But obviously that doesn't happen. 

The day of the 6th, the morning, was even harder. I found myself staring at the clock and remembering all the times the things occurred that awful day a year ago. I found a huge relief/overcame a hurdle that morning after the time of her passing. That was the hardest time for me. I didn't want to come up to that time and have to remember why I hated it so much but I did and I made it. 

We spent the rest of the day as a family and went to visit miss Ellie and decorate for her for Christmas. My family stayed the night with us that night and brought us pizza and movies! It was a nice way to end the day and I am glad we had family to surround us with love knowing that day was hard on all of us. 

The biggest thing was... WE MADE IT! I can't believe it has been a year since we have held our precious little girl. That hurts more than anything. I miss her more and more with each passing day. I will never stop loving, missing or remembering her. 

Mommy loves and misses you so much, Ellie Olivia ❤️

The last picture I took of my pretty girl ❤️

Welcome, Olivia Faith 💗

LIt has been a long time since I have been I here to post (I know I say that about everytime 😊) but I have a lot on my mind these days and sometimes I feel like this is the best way to get it all out. 

On November 20, we welcomed Ellie's little sister Olivia into our lives! She weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long! We feel more than blessed that god has given us another precious baby I love and snuggle on. We never knew how much joy Olivia could bring us through this grief storm. God knew exactly when we needed Olivia the most ❤️ 

Meet Miss Olivia 💗

My heart will always have a hole in it from losing our precious Ellie, but Olivia has put so much of that love back into my heart that I never knew was ever possible. I thank God everyday for the beautiful blessings that he has given us. I know Ellie watches over us everyday ❤️

When we were at the hospital, right before Olivia was born, a little white feather came floating down and was circling around Marc and I. I just knew that was Ellie there with us. Then, the next day, I was holding Olivia and a little white feather floated down and lande right beside me on the bed. I felt like Ellie was telling me that that was where she would be sitting to meet her new baby sister. It melts my heart to receive signs like this to let is know she is here. I continue to find white feathers on Olivia quite often.

  

A feather for Miss Olivia ❤️

Mommy loves you, Miss Ellie ❤️

Day 1: Sunrise

A couple of weeks ago, I pulled my car over to take a picture of this beautiful sunrise.  There was something about this sunrise that made me smile.  As I stared at the sun rising on my way to work, I felt a sense of calmness as I smiled.  I just knew my pretty girl was looking at the same beautiful sunrise in Heaven.  Sometimes I stare at the beautiful things on this Earth that God has created and just take it all in.  It is so easy to just take the small things that He created for granted because life gets in the way.  I never take enough time to just admire these beautiful things and thank Him for all that He is given us. I felt as though Ellie was telling me to enjoy this sunrise because she was too.  No matter where she is, I will always be her mommy and we can still enjoy these special moments together <3  I love you so much, Ellie Olivia.  

Thank you for letting mommy see the beauty in this. 

Capturing My Grief Journey Challenge

Since it has been a long time since I have blogged, I have decided I needed to get back into it.  It really helps me to get my thoughts and feelings out with hopes to be able to help others through the process. This was a good time for me to start blogging again because this month is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month."  

Ellie's babysitter sent me a project that she thought that I would enjoy doing....she is right.  It is a good way to get my feelings about about my grief journey out and hopefully others can understand me more. Not that I need people to understand me, but sometimes it is so hard to get any point across about grief when no one understands you (not that I would want them to either).  This challenge has many good topics to challenge you to talk about these things through your grief journey and maybe think about some things that I have never thought of before.  Some of them look rather hard for me to answer as a look ahead but I am going to do my best <3

Here is the challenge:

Ellie has changed our lives in so many ways and I am so blessed that she is our first baby girl.  I still feel like I am living in a fog these past (almost) 10 months.  It just doesn't seem real that one second I was holding my baby girl and the next she is just gone.  She has inspired me to change many things in my life and how I live my life.  She has taught me a great deal about having more faith and doing anything I can to be able to help others in life.  This life here on this Earth is WAY TOO SHORT and I wish I could change the way my life has turned out, but that is not an option for me so I am going to live this life that I have been given to the fullest potential that God intended.  Experiencing the worst possible pain that you could ever endure on this Earth opens your eyes and changes your life drastically, but I thank God and Ellie for being with not only me, but my husband as well as we walk through this hard journey of grief and living here without our baby girl.  We couldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for having faith.

Ellie, Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anything.  We know that one day God will reunite us as a family once again and I know that day will be more than glorious.

Come visit me in my dreams anytime, sweet girl. 

I could watch this pretty girl sleep all day <3

Getting through August....

This Friday (the 16th) will be Ellie's first birthday.  This month has been rather hard on me as we creep on this special day without our precious baby here to celebrate the day with.   I can remember that day like it is yesterday...the best day of my life.  Bringing Ellie into this world was the best thing that God could have given Marc and I.  I can still remember the days leading up to the day she was born too...all the walks we took, bouncing on my exercise ball, making sure the bags were ready (and checking them again)....if you can't tell...we were so ready for our little princess to be here! 

I was set to be induced at 6 am Thursday, August 16, 2012, so I had set my alarm for 4:15 so I could get up and shower and give ourselves enough time to go to the hospital.  But our little stinker had a different plan in mind...she broke my water at 4 am that morning!  I just knew right then and there that we would have our hands full with a little diva!  She said, "I am doing this my way!" :)  I love her for being so strong-willed so early in her life.

The day went pretty well...even better when I got the epidural! The time came to push at 4 pm, so I thought, this is it! My baby will be here shortly! But that was not the case...our little princess wanted to stay in mommy's belly a little longer so I had to push for 2 1/2 hours before our little stinker decided to make her screaming appearance :)  Hearing her little scream was the best sound in the whole world!  I took one look at her and was instantly in love with her.  While they were cleaning her up, daddy went and talked to her and she calmed down instantly and looked around like "Hey, I know him!"  It was so precious! Being able to hold her and spend some family time with Ellie and Marc (before the family came to meet her) was the most precious time together.  We finally had our daughter here to join our little family.  My heart was finally complete.

Nothing is better than being a mommy.  I am so thankful that God has given Marc and I another little blessing to be able to have these special moments with too.  Losing Ellie was the hardest thing that Marc and I will ever go through in life.  Not that Olivia will be replacing Ellie in anyway, I just know she will bring us light and hope back into our life that has been lost for these past 8 months.  I just pray for our strength as we approach her birthday this week without her.  

We have decided to have a memorial "pretty in pink" birthday party with our family on Saturday to honor our little baby's 1st year.  On Friday, Marc and I took the day off together to remember the day that we spent with Miss Ellie when she was born.  We also decided to go to the zoo and take our princess her 1st birthday cake and balloons.  Those are obviously things we did not picture for our baby's 1st birthday (because she is not here) but we are still trying to do things to honor and remember her.  We know she will be with us and looking down on us celebrating her precious life.

We love you so much, Ellie Olivia.  I miss you more than anything and wish I could hold you here in my arms and give you so many kisses.  But, I will get to do that one day when God reunites us together.

See you in the morning, princess <3 

Daddy talking to his pretty princess <3  This melts my heart.

Holding my baby girl for the first time <3 Best moment EVER!

She says, "I'm cold!" :)

Introducing our pretty princess on her birthday! She is just so gorgeous! 

Dreaming....

I know I haven't blogged for a while.....things have been ok for me the last couple of weeks. I just hate to even say that because every time that I do there are a couple bad weeks just right around the corner.  That is just the road of grief I guess.....Thankfully I have God, my family, and my friends to get me through the rough weeks to help me get to some weeks of being "ok."

On Tuesday, Marc and I got to go have an ultrasound for Baby Walter #2!  Baby Walter #2 is  LITTLE GIRL!! Little Miss Olivia {after her big sister :) }I was so nervous up until this day because I wanted more than anything for this baby to be a girl so we could have that chance to raise a little girl.  We had so many hopes and dreams for Ellie and those were just ripped away.  We just wanted to be able to raise our little girl.  Don't get me wrong, I would have been happy and felt more than blessed with a little boy, but it's the things that I would have had to change after that I was so anxious about to have a little boy.  I was anxious for any kind of change.  Change is not my thing these days.  When you have the most unexpected and sudden change happen to you....change is HARD!  Marc and I are truly thankful for the two beautiful girls that God has given us. We knew that God would give us just what we needed <3


This morning I woke up just hoping that the dream I just woke up from was real.  Ellie came to me in my dream.  God gave her a second chance to live here on this earth with her mommy and daddy.  I was in complete shock that he allowed her to come back to us but I couldn't thank God enough that he let us have her again.  She looked just the same as she did when she left us.  She still had her crazy hair and she was the sweet, precious little 16 week old that I remember.  I got to carry her in her carseat, nurse her(which she didn't want to eat because she was too interested in everyone that was around), hold and kiss her....it was amazing!  My family had a get-together and everyone was so happy to see her.  As amazing as this dream was, I was terrified the whole time that she would leave me again. I watched her every second....she was never allowed out of my sight.  I couldn't have been more happy that she came to visit me in my dreams....I have not had a dream about her this whole time.   

I know this dream gave me several things that I had to think about.  I know God wanted me to know that I will be with her again and it will be more than wonderful, but also that there are going to be some fears that come along with Baby Olivia that he will help me get through.  I will be terrified every day for her life and I will probably never leave her....but God will be with me.  I just need to remember my faith and know that he will be with us as well as our precious little angel.

Ellie, Mommy and Daddy LOVE and MISS you more than anything!! I know you are watching over us and your little sister every day.  I will come and visit you here in a little bit.  <3

We used to send pictures like this to daddy all the time while mommy got to stay home with you. <3  You were always so happy when you got up in the morning.  Always talking and laughing with mommy.  I enjoyed every minute of it....I just wish we could still have those moments together.