A Better Week....

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while, but this week I am having a better week.  The last two weeks have just been more than rough so having a "better" week just gives me so much ease and peace.  I have recently described making it through the last two weeks as an "achievement."   I know that sounds silly, but making it through the toughest days/weeks is an achievement.  I may have taken it by baby steps, but I made it through.  The verse "for when I am weak, then I am strong" comes to mind these last couple of weeks.

Last week, Marc and I went to a genetics doctor in Indy because while at grad school, my best friend heard a lecture from this geneticist about hearing loss and SIDS.  Ellie had a slight hearing loss in her left ear that I was always so concerned about, but was told that it was so mild that she probably wouldn't even notice.  So I trusted the doctors and just went on my way.  This genetic doctor explained that hearing loss is also a common way that doctors find a heart arythmia (Prolong QT syndrome) in babies.  I have never heard of this information before this.  In a way I was upset that I never knew that there was even a possibility for something like this, but I also know that this is just a theory that they know about but it doesn't necessarily pertain to Ellie.  It does make me wonder though because an autopsy would never show these kinds of results...only a working heart would ever show this.  It makes me wonder if this is a "reason" to SIDS?  Although many questions arise with this new information, I have never been at more peace.  I feel like we had many of our open-ended questions answered by this wonderful genetic doctor.  Marc and I had genetic sampling done so we can just be pro-active about anything we can for this precious baby that is growing in my belly.  We are praying for nothing but good answers from this.

I know that it is hard for some people to understand, but I have come to peace that I will never know the answer as to why Ellie left us.  It is the hardest thing to come to this, but after the autopsy reports came back I read through the report (which I never should have done) and realized that she was just a healthy little baby and there was nothing that I could have done.  Ellie wanted Auntie Sam to go to that lecture so she could tell her mommy and daddy about these genetic findings.  I truly feel that there was something there that God wanted us to understand and he knew it would help us in our healing process.  They are not answers, but I am okay with that.  I needed to know this information and know some things I could do if this little baby has hearing loss too, since it is genetic.  It was also explained to us that it is a state law that all babies have to have an EKG during their newborn screen in the hospital.  This was just another thing to help ease my fears for this blessing in my belly.

God has truly blessed Marc and I in our lives and we thank him for blessing us with two beautiful babies everyday.  We know He is taking care of Miss Ellie and allowing her to watch over us and give us peace.  This lifelong process will always be a hard learning process but having faith through all of it will get us through.  Thank you, God <3

I love you so much, Ellie Olivia <3  Mommy and Daddy will come and visit in the morning.

Mommy loves you, pumpkin.  I wish I could hold you in my arms and kiss you all day.  I do know that one day I will be able to do that again....and that's for ETERNITY! <3

Hard week....

This week has just been so hard for me.  I have hit a new level of fear.  I knew it was coming, I knew there would be many things that I would fear for our new little baby that is growing in my belly. I have thought a lot this week about the last time I got to hold my precious little Ellie and just how life is just so unexpected.  I would have done ANYTHING to stop that HORRID day and just have her here....but I didn't have that option.  This fear consumes me everyday of my life.  I hate the horrible images I have in my head from "that day."  Just when I thought I was worried about Ellie....I have found a new level of worry that comes along with fear.  I just pray for this baby to stay healthy and right here on this Earth with their mommy and daddy.  I know Ellie is watching over us everyday as well as her little brother/sister.  I can just see her smiling knowing she is going to be a BIG SISTER and she will protect this baby in every way that she can.

Another thing that has been bothering me is when people say how strong I am.  I know it is a nice thing for people to say, and maybe they do think I am strong, but I don't feel strong at all.  I feel so weak.  People get to see the hard shell I put on everyday to face the world so I don't have to have all the questions.  They don't get to see the inside of me where I am screaming every second and thinking about the HORRIBLE day or how everything is just torn apart....especially my heart.  This is the true meaning of a broken heart.  There will always be a hole.  All I know is that I am "surviving" that worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me and I owe it all to having faith.  Don't get me wrong...having the best husband, family and friends is a HUGE help as well....but I could not do this without God.  He gives me the love and comfort I need everyday and also gives me a sense of peace when I need it most.  I know He or Ellie give me signs letting me know everything will be ok.  I am truly thankful to God for blessing us with Ellie and now another precious gift.

Ellie, mommy and daddy love and miss you more than anything. I wish more than anything I could have you here right here in my arms but I know that one day I will get to hold you again and that will be for ETERNITY! I can't wait for that day....I will never let you go!

Sleep tight princess. Mommy will come visit in the morning <3

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

The most precious picture <3 This was at her 3 month photo shoot.  I just loved when she would rub her eyes when she was tired.  We recently got this picture along with a few others from our photographer.  I had asked if she had any pictures of Ellie that she had not given us and this was one of them.  I love it so much.  It came at the right time because I was really missing her and taking her picture everyday.  And it was the week of Mother's Day.  God and Ellie worked together to make that happen....they knew I needed it <3

A good day....

Man! I have not said those words in so long... "Having a good day..." By no means does that mean I am better or that this good day is anything as happy as I was with Ellie... But today was a good day. Today my princess turned 9 months old and we got to to meet her little brother/sister!!! That's right... Ellie is going to be a BIG SiSTER! We found out at Easter time and our due date is December 5,2013 ( the day before our little angel joined God in Heaven). We truly believe Ellie and God are working hand in hand on this one.... Giving us another joyous blessing and hope. They want to give us light in a very dark path that we are on. This is our rainbow baby ❤

We did Ellie's balloon release tonight,with many of her family members joining us,and we even sent her a picture of BabyWalter :) her balloons were just beautiful... All spring colors! There were so many notes they wouldn't fly! But don't worry... She got her balloons :)

This week they are laying our cement at our plots... Hopefully that means our stone can be in soon so everyone can see her pretty little face when they come to visit. It's a good way to honor her and I am just ready for all the planning and hassle of it to be over. It's just a constant reminder of why we had to buy it and I hate that nightmare more than anything!!!

I didn't post on Mother's Day... But I made it through. That was the best that I could do. I tried to bake to keep my mind off things... I took a nap... Cried... Cries some more... I love that Ellie made mea mommy. ❤ I love that little girl more than anything.... And she wants me to make room for her little sibling too. I just see her smiling at me and telling God thank him for helping her mommy and daddy have a little smile again.

We have the most precious little girl and I am so thankful. I wish she could be here more than anything! I miss her more and more with every breathe and every day that goes by.

I love you, princess. Sleep tight.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

5 months...

I just can't even believe that it's been 5 months since I have been able to hold my precious angel. It doesn't seem real. I don't even feel like I have been living. These past few months I have been living in a fog and just going through the motions of life. I couldn't even tell you much of what I have done.... Except miss my baby more than anything. It's just SO hard to live a life without the little love of my life. We had so many plans we wanted to do with Ellie... We barely had any time to do them. But don't get me wrong... I am so blessed for the time I did have with her and I thank God everyday for letting me be her mommy.

I wish I could shake this funk of depression I've been in even with the warm weather. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is just around the corner and I am dreading it more than anything. I don't even want to go though that day at all. :( I am thankful that Ellie made me a mommy... But I don't want to celebrate it without her. That hurts so much. I wanted her here. I looked forward to that last year knowing she would be here with me and here i am without her and it sucks. We have no guarantee of tomorrow. Why can't Heaven just have visiting hours or even a phone call at least?!? It would give me a little brightness in this dark path. I know she is safe and being taken care of but I MISS HER!!!

Ellie, mommy loves you more than anything and I hope you get all my kisses and love in heaven. You are such a blessing to me and I miss you.

I hope you had a good day and played with all your angel friends. I will visit on the morning, princess. <3

I had to share a picture of my little ham! She is just so silly! I saw this picture the other day and just had to make it my background on my phone! I love it!!

Missing you....

Hi pumpkin-

The weather is so beautiful here today.....it makes me miss you even more because I really looked forward to the days where we could take you outside and play with your toys, take you walks, and hang out with your doggies in the backyard.  We just had so many plans for you and it breaks my heart even more when we come to the times that I looked forward to the most.  We had taken you on a few walks last fall and you just loved them.  I just know you would have even loved them even more now.

Your first walk <3  See how much fun you were having? :)

I made it through my first baby shower, without you here, on Sunday.  I did pretty well.  I think it was a little easier on me because this shower was for a boy and there were only 3 little kids there, but they were cousins that I am always around.  The one thing that just tore my heart to pieces is when the family got a motion detector monitor.  I am glad that families get those, but it reminded me that my princess isn't here with me and that this monitor is something to help ease the worry of what I had to go through with my precious princess.   I just hate that this has happened to our family.....or any family that has to go through this.  It is truly the WORST thing to EVER have to go through in our lives.  We will live forever changed for the rest of our lives here on this Earth.  Nothing is the same....nothing will ever be the same.  How could it be?  My baby is in Heaven.  That is one thing that gives me peace out of this whole situation....knowing that my baby is in Heaven being taken care of so well by the wonderful God himself.  I KNOW that he will reunite us with our baby again one day. 

Ellie, please watch over your little best friend (Izzy) tomorrow as she is having a couple different surgeries tomorrow.  Please be with her and the doctors and allow the surgery to go well, then send her home to mommy and daddy so she can have a healthy recovery.  Mommy is worried....

Your best friend was always by your side watching your every move...How precious <3

I love you so much, baby girl.  Miss you.....

"Now I lay me down to sleep.   I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen"

Wow! What a week.....

Hi princess-

Mommy and Daddy have had quite a week!  Last week, we were informed that someone had stolen your identity and claimed you on their taxes so our taxes were rejected.  I am just so incredibly sad and mad that someone could ever do that to my precious little baby.  It's disgusting.  But don't worry baby girl, Mommy and Daddy will not let that stand.  We are currently battling the state to "prove" that you are our baby and make sure that those people who did this to you know that that is WRONG! It will be a long process, but we will do anything for our baby. <3

We did have a really good day on Sunday....It was Mommy's birthday (which I was dreading not having my princess here to celebrate with me) but Mommy and Daddy made it a good day, we were both baptized at church that morning! It was the most rewarding and refreshing experience that I have ever had.  I am so glad that we have faith and that God is giving us the strength to continue through each day without you here.  Everyday is a struggling battle, but knowing that we have faith....it can get us through anything.  We are definitely realizing that we cannot do anything without faith in God. <3

Mommy took your little best friend, Izzy(our doggie), to the vet on Thursday and we found out that she has tumors in her mammary glands.  :(  The vet is very positive about the surgery that will be on May 1 and we have been praying that everything goes well and she can be healthy.  I know you will be watching over her <3

On Friday, Daddy came running up the stairs (before 5 in the morning!) and told me that our basement was flooded!! We had 18 inches of water in our basement when there was nothing the night before!  We both stayed home from work and dealt with the clean up, insurance and cleaners.  It was quite the day, but in light of the whole day, Mommy had bought you a box of colored starfish for this summer and the box emptied in the basement and there were starfish all over the basement floor!  It just made me smile and made me think you were there to give us some light and peace out of the situation.  You are such a special little girl.

I always know that visiting you or watching your videos will always give me some kind of peace and make me smile.  I had a lot of those this week, you make any situation better. <3

I love you so much baby girl.  I hope you are getting all of our love and kisses that we send you to Heaven everyday!  Miss you princess....

Happy little girl who was learning to giggle.  Nothing is more precious and heart-touching than your giggle....I miss it so much <3

Happy 8 month birthday....

Hi baby girl-

Happy 8 month birthday! I can't believe you are 8 months already. You are my precious baby girl and you are just getting so big. I wish I could see you grow.... I just miss you more than anything in this world! It's just hard to believe that you have ha more days in heaven than you had here on earth with mommy and daddy. But we think positively and think of the day when we will get to spend eternity with you! We just wish we could have had more time with you.

Losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. It's not even a pain I can describe because it is so awful. I hate that we have to go through this, but seeing so many other mommies and daddies going through this too breaks my heart. It's just awful. No one should have to experience this.

We have had so much going on in our lives these past few weeks and I feel bad that I have not written anything.... Hopefully I will have more time within the next few days to write more. I have so much to write about ( you already know since mommy tells you about it :) )

I love you more than anything, princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight princess <3