Capturing My Grief Journey Challenge

Since it has been a long time since I have blogged, I have decided I needed to get back into it.  It really helps me to get my thoughts and feelings out with hopes to be able to help others through the process. This was a good time for me to start blogging again because this month is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month."  

Ellie's babysitter sent me a project that she thought that I would enjoy doing....she is right.  It is a good way to get my feelings about about my grief journey out and hopefully others can understand me more. Not that I need people to understand me, but sometimes it is so hard to get any point across about grief when no one understands you (not that I would want them to either).  This challenge has many good topics to challenge you to talk about these things through your grief journey and maybe think about some things that I have never thought of before.  Some of them look rather hard for me to answer as a look ahead but I am going to do my best <3

Here is the challenge:

Ellie has changed our lives in so many ways and I am so blessed that she is our first baby girl.  I still feel like I am living in a fog these past (almost) 10 months.  It just doesn't seem real that one second I was holding my baby girl and the next she is just gone.  She has inspired me to change many things in my life and how I live my life.  She has taught me a great deal about having more faith and doing anything I can to be able to help others in life.  This life here on this Earth is WAY TOO SHORT and I wish I could change the way my life has turned out, but that is not an option for me so I am going to live this life that I have been given to the fullest potential that God intended.  Experiencing the worst possible pain that you could ever endure on this Earth opens your eyes and changes your life drastically, but I thank God and Ellie for being with not only me, but my husband as well as we walk through this hard journey of grief and living here without our baby girl.  We couldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for having faith.

Ellie, Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anything.  We know that one day God will reunite us as a family once again and I know that day will be more than glorious.

Come visit me in my dreams anytime, sweet girl. 

I could watch this pretty girl sleep all day <3

Getting through August....

This Friday (the 16th) will be Ellie's first birthday.  This month has been rather hard on me as we creep on this special day without our precious baby here to celebrate the day with.   I can remember that day like it is yesterday...the best day of my life.  Bringing Ellie into this world was the best thing that God could have given Marc and I.  I can still remember the days leading up to the day she was born too...all the walks we took, bouncing on my exercise ball, making sure the bags were ready (and checking them again)....if you can't tell...we were so ready for our little princess to be here! 

I was set to be induced at 6 am Thursday, August 16, 2012, so I had set my alarm for 4:15 so I could get up and shower and give ourselves enough time to go to the hospital.  But our little stinker had a different plan in mind...she broke my water at 4 am that morning!  I just knew right then and there that we would have our hands full with a little diva!  She said, "I am doing this my way!" :)  I love her for being so strong-willed so early in her life.

The day went pretty well...even better when I got the epidural! The time came to push at 4 pm, so I thought, this is it! My baby will be here shortly! But that was not the case...our little princess wanted to stay in mommy's belly a little longer so I had to push for 2 1/2 hours before our little stinker decided to make her screaming appearance :)  Hearing her little scream was the best sound in the whole world!  I took one look at her and was instantly in love with her.  While they were cleaning her up, daddy went and talked to her and she calmed down instantly and looked around like "Hey, I know him!"  It was so precious! Being able to hold her and spend some family time with Ellie and Marc (before the family came to meet her) was the most precious time together.  We finally had our daughter here to join our little family.  My heart was finally complete.

Nothing is better than being a mommy.  I am so thankful that God has given Marc and I another little blessing to be able to have these special moments with too.  Losing Ellie was the hardest thing that Marc and I will ever go through in life.  Not that Olivia will be replacing Ellie in anyway, I just know she will bring us light and hope back into our life that has been lost for these past 8 months.  I just pray for our strength as we approach her birthday this week without her.  

We have decided to have a memorial "pretty in pink" birthday party with our family on Saturday to honor our little baby's 1st year.  On Friday, Marc and I took the day off together to remember the day that we spent with Miss Ellie when she was born.  We also decided to go to the zoo and take our princess her 1st birthday cake and balloons.  Those are obviously things we did not picture for our baby's 1st birthday (because she is not here) but we are still trying to do things to honor and remember her.  We know she will be with us and looking down on us celebrating her precious life.

We love you so much, Ellie Olivia.  I miss you more than anything and wish I could hold you here in my arms and give you so many kisses.  But, I will get to do that one day when God reunites us together.

See you in the morning, princess <3 

Daddy talking to his pretty princess <3  This melts my heart.

Holding my baby girl for the first time <3 Best moment EVER!

She says, "I'm cold!" :)

Introducing our pretty princess on her birthday! She is just so gorgeous! 

Dreaming....

I know I haven't blogged for a while.....things have been ok for me the last couple of weeks. I just hate to even say that because every time that I do there are a couple bad weeks just right around the corner.  That is just the road of grief I guess.....Thankfully I have God, my family, and my friends to get me through the rough weeks to help me get to some weeks of being "ok."

On Tuesday, Marc and I got to go have an ultrasound for Baby Walter #2!  Baby Walter #2 is  LITTLE GIRL!! Little Miss Olivia {after her big sister :) }I was so nervous up until this day because I wanted more than anything for this baby to be a girl so we could have that chance to raise a little girl.  We had so many hopes and dreams for Ellie and those were just ripped away.  We just wanted to be able to raise our little girl.  Don't get me wrong, I would have been happy and felt more than blessed with a little boy, but it's the things that I would have had to change after that I was so anxious about to have a little boy.  I was anxious for any kind of change.  Change is not my thing these days.  When you have the most unexpected and sudden change happen to you....change is HARD!  Marc and I are truly thankful for the two beautiful girls that God has given us. We knew that God would give us just what we needed <3


This morning I woke up just hoping that the dream I just woke up from was real.  Ellie came to me in my dream.  God gave her a second chance to live here on this earth with her mommy and daddy.  I was in complete shock that he allowed her to come back to us but I couldn't thank God enough that he let us have her again.  She looked just the same as she did when she left us.  She still had her crazy hair and she was the sweet, precious little 16 week old that I remember.  I got to carry her in her carseat, nurse her(which she didn't want to eat because she was too interested in everyone that was around), hold and kiss her....it was amazing!  My family had a get-together and everyone was so happy to see her.  As amazing as this dream was, I was terrified the whole time that she would leave me again. I watched her every second....she was never allowed out of my sight.  I couldn't have been more happy that she came to visit me in my dreams....I have not had a dream about her this whole time.   

I know this dream gave me several things that I had to think about.  I know God wanted me to know that I will be with her again and it will be more than wonderful, but also that there are going to be some fears that come along with Baby Olivia that he will help me get through.  I will be terrified every day for her life and I will probably never leave her....but God will be with me.  I just need to remember my faith and know that he will be with us as well as our precious little angel.

Ellie, Mommy and Daddy LOVE and MISS you more than anything!! I know you are watching over us and your little sister every day.  I will come and visit you here in a little bit.  <3

We used to send pictures like this to daddy all the time while mommy got to stay home with you. <3  You were always so happy when you got up in the morning.  Always talking and laughing with mommy.  I enjoyed every minute of it....I just wish we could still have those moments together.

A Better Week....

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while, but this week I am having a better week.  The last two weeks have just been more than rough so having a "better" week just gives me so much ease and peace.  I have recently described making it through the last two weeks as an "achievement."   I know that sounds silly, but making it through the toughest days/weeks is an achievement.  I may have taken it by baby steps, but I made it through.  The verse "for when I am weak, then I am strong" comes to mind these last couple of weeks.

Last week, Marc and I went to a genetics doctor in Indy because while at grad school, my best friend heard a lecture from this geneticist about hearing loss and SIDS.  Ellie had a slight hearing loss in her left ear that I was always so concerned about, but was told that it was so mild that she probably wouldn't even notice.  So I trusted the doctors and just went on my way.  This genetic doctor explained that hearing loss is also a common way that doctors find a heart arythmia (Prolong QT syndrome) in babies.  I have never heard of this information before this.  In a way I was upset that I never knew that there was even a possibility for something like this, but I also know that this is just a theory that they know about but it doesn't necessarily pertain to Ellie.  It does make me wonder though because an autopsy would never show these kinds of results...only a working heart would ever show this.  It makes me wonder if this is a "reason" to SIDS?  Although many questions arise with this new information, I have never been at more peace.  I feel like we had many of our open-ended questions answered by this wonderful genetic doctor.  Marc and I had genetic sampling done so we can just be pro-active about anything we can for this precious baby that is growing in my belly.  We are praying for nothing but good answers from this.

I know that it is hard for some people to understand, but I have come to peace that I will never know the answer as to why Ellie left us.  It is the hardest thing to come to this, but after the autopsy reports came back I read through the report (which I never should have done) and realized that she was just a healthy little baby and there was nothing that I could have done.  Ellie wanted Auntie Sam to go to that lecture so she could tell her mommy and daddy about these genetic findings.  I truly feel that there was something there that God wanted us to understand and he knew it would help us in our healing process.  They are not answers, but I am okay with that.  I needed to know this information and know some things I could do if this little baby has hearing loss too, since it is genetic.  It was also explained to us that it is a state law that all babies have to have an EKG during their newborn screen in the hospital.  This was just another thing to help ease my fears for this blessing in my belly.

God has truly blessed Marc and I in our lives and we thank him for blessing us with two beautiful babies everyday.  We know He is taking care of Miss Ellie and allowing her to watch over us and give us peace.  This lifelong process will always be a hard learning process but having faith through all of it will get us through.  Thank you, God <3

I love you so much, Ellie Olivia <3  Mommy and Daddy will come and visit in the morning.

Mommy loves you, pumpkin.  I wish I could hold you in my arms and kiss you all day.  I do know that one day I will be able to do that again....and that's for ETERNITY! <3

Hard week....

This week has just been so hard for me.  I have hit a new level of fear.  I knew it was coming, I knew there would be many things that I would fear for our new little baby that is growing in my belly. I have thought a lot this week about the last time I got to hold my precious little Ellie and just how life is just so unexpected.  I would have done ANYTHING to stop that HORRID day and just have her here....but I didn't have that option.  This fear consumes me everyday of my life.  I hate the horrible images I have in my head from "that day."  Just when I thought I was worried about Ellie....I have found a new level of worry that comes along with fear.  I just pray for this baby to stay healthy and right here on this Earth with their mommy and daddy.  I know Ellie is watching over us everyday as well as her little brother/sister.  I can just see her smiling knowing she is going to be a BIG SISTER and she will protect this baby in every way that she can.

Another thing that has been bothering me is when people say how strong I am.  I know it is a nice thing for people to say, and maybe they do think I am strong, but I don't feel strong at all.  I feel so weak.  People get to see the hard shell I put on everyday to face the world so I don't have to have all the questions.  They don't get to see the inside of me where I am screaming every second and thinking about the HORRIBLE day or how everything is just torn apart....especially my heart.  This is the true meaning of a broken heart.  There will always be a hole.  All I know is that I am "surviving" that worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me and I owe it all to having faith.  Don't get me wrong...having the best husband, family and friends is a HUGE help as well....but I could not do this without God.  He gives me the love and comfort I need everyday and also gives me a sense of peace when I need it most.  I know He or Ellie give me signs letting me know everything will be ok.  I am truly thankful to God for blessing us with Ellie and now another precious gift.

Ellie, mommy and daddy love and miss you more than anything. I wish more than anything I could have you here right here in my arms but I know that one day I will get to hold you again and that will be for ETERNITY! I can't wait for that day....I will never let you go!

Sleep tight princess. Mommy will come visit in the morning <3

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

The most precious picture <3 This was at her 3 month photo shoot.  I just loved when she would rub her eyes when she was tired.  We recently got this picture along with a few others from our photographer.  I had asked if she had any pictures of Ellie that she had not given us and this was one of them.  I love it so much.  It came at the right time because I was really missing her and taking her picture everyday.  And it was the week of Mother's Day.  God and Ellie worked together to make that happen....they knew I needed it <3

A good day....

Man! I have not said those words in so long... "Having a good day..." By no means does that mean I am better or that this good day is anything as happy as I was with Ellie... But today was a good day. Today my princess turned 9 months old and we got to to meet her little brother/sister!!! That's right... Ellie is going to be a BIG SiSTER! We found out at Easter time and our due date is December 5,2013 ( the day before our little angel joined God in Heaven). We truly believe Ellie and God are working hand in hand on this one.... Giving us another joyous blessing and hope. They want to give us light in a very dark path that we are on. This is our rainbow baby ❤

We did Ellie's balloon release tonight,with many of her family members joining us,and we even sent her a picture of BabyWalter :) her balloons were just beautiful... All spring colors! There were so many notes they wouldn't fly! But don't worry... She got her balloons :)

This week they are laying our cement at our plots... Hopefully that means our stone can be in soon so everyone can see her pretty little face when they come to visit. It's a good way to honor her and I am just ready for all the planning and hassle of it to be over. It's just a constant reminder of why we had to buy it and I hate that nightmare more than anything!!!

I didn't post on Mother's Day... But I made it through. That was the best that I could do. I tried to bake to keep my mind off things... I took a nap... Cried... Cries some more... I love that Ellie made mea mommy. ❤ I love that little girl more than anything.... And she wants me to make room for her little sibling too. I just see her smiling at me and telling God thank him for helping her mommy and daddy have a little smile again.

We have the most precious little girl and I am so thankful. I wish she could be here more than anything! I miss her more and more with every breathe and every day that goes by.

I love you, princess. Sleep tight.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

5 months...

I just can't even believe that it's been 5 months since I have been able to hold my precious angel. It doesn't seem real. I don't even feel like I have been living. These past few months I have been living in a fog and just going through the motions of life. I couldn't even tell you much of what I have done.... Except miss my baby more than anything. It's just SO hard to live a life without the little love of my life. We had so many plans we wanted to do with Ellie... We barely had any time to do them. But don't get me wrong... I am so blessed for the time I did have with her and I thank God everyday for letting me be her mommy.

I wish I could shake this funk of depression I've been in even with the warm weather. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is just around the corner and I am dreading it more than anything. I don't even want to go though that day at all. :( I am thankful that Ellie made me a mommy... But I don't want to celebrate it without her. That hurts so much. I wanted her here. I looked forward to that last year knowing she would be here with me and here i am without her and it sucks. We have no guarantee of tomorrow. Why can't Heaven just have visiting hours or even a phone call at least?!? It would give me a little brightness in this dark path. I know she is safe and being taken care of but I MISS HER!!!

Ellie, mommy loves you more than anything and I hope you get all my kisses and love in heaven. You are such a blessing to me and I miss you.

I hope you had a good day and played with all your angel friends. I will visit on the morning, princess. <3

I had to share a picture of my little ham! She is just so silly! I saw this picture the other day and just had to make it my background on my phone! I love it!!