Hard week....

This week has just been so hard for me.  I have hit a new level of fear.  I knew it was coming, I knew there would be many things that I would fear for our new little baby that is growing in my belly. I have thought a lot this week about the last time I got to hold my precious little Ellie and just how life is just so unexpected.  I would have done ANYTHING to stop that HORRID day and just have her here....but I didn't have that option.  This fear consumes me everyday of my life.  I hate the horrible images I have in my head from "that day."  Just when I thought I was worried about Ellie....I have found a new level of worry that comes along with fear.  I just pray for this baby to stay healthy and right here on this Earth with their mommy and daddy.  I know Ellie is watching over us everyday as well as her little brother/sister.  I can just see her smiling knowing she is going to be a BIG SISTER and she will protect this baby in every way that she can.

Another thing that has been bothering me is when people say how strong I am.  I know it is a nice thing for people to say, and maybe they do think I am strong, but I don't feel strong at all.  I feel so weak.  People get to see the hard shell I put on everyday to face the world so I don't have to have all the questions.  They don't get to see the inside of me where I am screaming every second and thinking about the HORRIBLE day or how everything is just torn apart....especially my heart.  This is the true meaning of a broken heart.  There will always be a hole.  All I know is that I am "surviving" that worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me and I owe it all to having faith.  Don't get me wrong...having the best husband, family and friends is a HUGE help as well....but I could not do this without God.  He gives me the love and comfort I need everyday and also gives me a sense of peace when I need it most.  I know He or Ellie give me signs letting me know everything will be ok.  I am truly thankful to God for blessing us with Ellie and now another precious gift.

Ellie, mommy and daddy love and miss you more than anything. I wish more than anything I could have you here right here in my arms but I know that one day I will get to hold you again and that will be for ETERNITY! I can't wait for that day....I will never let you go!

Sleep tight princess. Mommy will come visit in the morning <3

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

The most precious picture <3 This was at her 3 month photo shoot.  I just loved when she would rub her eyes when she was tired.  We recently got this picture along with a few others from our photographer.  I had asked if she had any pictures of Ellie that she had not given us and this was one of them.  I love it so much.  It came at the right time because I was really missing her and taking her picture everyday.  And it was the week of Mother's Day.  God and Ellie worked together to make that happen....they knew I needed it <3

A good day....

Man! I have not said those words in so long... "Having a good day..." By no means does that mean I am better or that this good day is anything as happy as I was with Ellie... But today was a good day. Today my princess turned 9 months old and we got to to meet her little brother/sister!!! That's right... Ellie is going to be a BIG SiSTER! We found out at Easter time and our due date is December 5,2013 ( the day before our little angel joined God in Heaven). We truly believe Ellie and God are working hand in hand on this one.... Giving us another joyous blessing and hope. They want to give us light in a very dark path that we are on. This is our rainbow baby ❤

We did Ellie's balloon release tonight,with many of her family members joining us,and we even sent her a picture of BabyWalter :) her balloons were just beautiful... All spring colors! There were so many notes they wouldn't fly! But don't worry... She got her balloons :)

This week they are laying our cement at our plots... Hopefully that means our stone can be in soon so everyone can see her pretty little face when they come to visit. It's a good way to honor her and I am just ready for all the planning and hassle of it to be over. It's just a constant reminder of why we had to buy it and I hate that nightmare more than anything!!!

I didn't post on Mother's Day... But I made it through. That was the best that I could do. I tried to bake to keep my mind off things... I took a nap... Cried... Cries some more... I love that Ellie made mea mommy. ❤ I love that little girl more than anything.... And she wants me to make room for her little sibling too. I just see her smiling at me and telling God thank him for helping her mommy and daddy have a little smile again.

We have the most precious little girl and I am so thankful. I wish she could be here more than anything! I miss her more and more with every breathe and every day that goes by.

I love you, princess. Sleep tight.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

5 months...

I just can't even believe that it's been 5 months since I have been able to hold my precious angel. It doesn't seem real. I don't even feel like I have been living. These past few months I have been living in a fog and just going through the motions of life. I couldn't even tell you much of what I have done.... Except miss my baby more than anything. It's just SO hard to live a life without the little love of my life. We had so many plans we wanted to do with Ellie... We barely had any time to do them. But don't get me wrong... I am so blessed for the time I did have with her and I thank God everyday for letting me be her mommy.

I wish I could shake this funk of depression I've been in even with the warm weather. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is just around the corner and I am dreading it more than anything. I don't even want to go though that day at all. :( I am thankful that Ellie made me a mommy... But I don't want to celebrate it without her. That hurts so much. I wanted her here. I looked forward to that last year knowing she would be here with me and here i am without her and it sucks. We have no guarantee of tomorrow. Why can't Heaven just have visiting hours or even a phone call at least?!? It would give me a little brightness in this dark path. I know she is safe and being taken care of but I MISS HER!!!

Ellie, mommy loves you more than anything and I hope you get all my kisses and love in heaven. You are such a blessing to me and I miss you.

I hope you had a good day and played with all your angel friends. I will visit on the morning, princess. <3

I had to share a picture of my little ham! She is just so silly! I saw this picture the other day and just had to make it my background on my phone! I love it!!