Christmas

Christmas is just right around the corner and every little thing we do to get ready for the holiday makes me remember that we don't have you here to celebrate this joyous day with... Again. Last year was extremely hard because you had just went to heaven just a few weeks before. This year will still be just as hard. I sit here and wonder what Christmas jammies you would be wearing, what kinds of gifts you would be getting and what you would have thought about opening presents. Would you have liked to see Santa? Or would you have screamed? There are so many things that I wish we could have done with you and I continue to want those things this year too. 

This year is a little different... Your baby sister is now here! She has brought us so much joy that I never thought possible. It is so bittersweet that we get to have her first Christmas this year and we never got that with you. But, I know that you will be right here celebrating with us Christmas morning. I just wish I could see you sitting by your sister and opening all her gifts too.... 

This year, you got your own little tree so that Olivia can put an ornament on it just for sissy. I felt this would be a good way as she gets older to connect with you during Christmas time. Of course you still have all your ornaments on the big tree, but this is something special for just her to do <3 one day she can pick out her own ornament for you :) 

I know you will have the greatest Christmas of all, by celebrating with Jesus himself. I can't even imagine the celebration you angels have on that day. 

Your family loves and misses you so much, baby girl. Keep sending us feathers and come visit in my dreams anytime!! It's been way too long since I have been able to see you. Love you, princess. 

A priceless picture we have of you and your little sister! I LOVE it! It is on the Christmas card this year <3

December 6

This past week we went through one of the hardest days that I never wanted to come up to, the day that Ellie passed. Usually the days leading up to the date I am anxious about seem to be the worst, but this time I didn't do as bad as I usually do. (I thank God for putting kiss Olivia in our lives at this time because I had her to snuggle and love on). 

The night of the 5th was rather rough as I remembered it being the last night that I got to put Ellie to bed and do our nightly routine. Getting up to nurse Olivia that night was rather hard and I cried very time but held her ever so tightly. I talked to her about her sister thinking that would help my emotions, but it only made it worse because I wanted both of my girl here together rather than just telling Olivia about her big sister. I made it through the rest of the night with little sleep because all I could do is remember the 6th. I wanted so bad to go to bed that night and wake up and it just be the 7th... But obviously that doesn't happen. 

The day of the 6th, the morning, was even harder. I found myself staring at the clock and remembering all the times the things occurred that awful day a year ago. I found a huge relief/overcame a hurdle that morning after the time of her passing. That was the hardest time for me. I didn't want to come up to that time and have to remember why I hated it so much but I did and I made it. 

We spent the rest of the day as a family and went to visit miss Ellie and decorate for her for Christmas. My family stayed the night with us that night and brought us pizza and movies! It was a nice way to end the day and I am glad we had family to surround us with love knowing that day was hard on all of us. 

The biggest thing was... WE MADE IT! I can't believe it has been a year since we have held our precious little girl. That hurts more than anything. I miss her more and more with each passing day. I will never stop loving, missing or remembering her. 

Mommy loves and misses you so much, Ellie Olivia ❤️

The last picture I took of my pretty girl ❤️

Welcome, Olivia Faith 💗

LIt has been a long time since I have been I here to post (I know I say that about everytime 😊) but I have a lot on my mind these days and sometimes I feel like this is the best way to get it all out. 

On November 20, we welcomed Ellie's little sister Olivia into our lives! She weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and was 21 inches long! We feel more than blessed that god has given us another precious baby I love and snuggle on. We never knew how much joy Olivia could bring us through this grief storm. God knew exactly when we needed Olivia the most ❤️ 

Meet Miss Olivia 💗

My heart will always have a hole in it from losing our precious Ellie, but Olivia has put so much of that love back into my heart that I never knew was ever possible. I thank God everyday for the beautiful blessings that he has given us. I know Ellie watches over us everyday ❤️

When we were at the hospital, right before Olivia was born, a little white feather came floating down and was circling around Marc and I. I just knew that was Ellie there with us. Then, the next day, I was holding Olivia and a little white feather floated down and lande right beside me on the bed. I felt like Ellie was telling me that that was where she would be sitting to meet her new baby sister. It melts my heart to receive signs like this to let is know she is here. I continue to find white feathers on Olivia quite often.

  

A feather for Miss Olivia ❤️

Mommy loves you, Miss Ellie ❤️

Day 1: Sunrise

A couple of weeks ago, I pulled my car over to take a picture of this beautiful sunrise.  There was something about this sunrise that made me smile.  As I stared at the sun rising on my way to work, I felt a sense of calmness as I smiled.  I just knew my pretty girl was looking at the same beautiful sunrise in Heaven.  Sometimes I stare at the beautiful things on this Earth that God has created and just take it all in.  It is so easy to just take the small things that He created for granted because life gets in the way.  I never take enough time to just admire these beautiful things and thank Him for all that He is given us. I felt as though Ellie was telling me to enjoy this sunrise because she was too.  No matter where she is, I will always be her mommy and we can still enjoy these special moments together <3  I love you so much, Ellie Olivia.  

Thank you for letting mommy see the beauty in this. 

Capturing My Grief Journey Challenge

Since it has been a long time since I have blogged, I have decided I needed to get back into it.  It really helps me to get my thoughts and feelings out with hopes to be able to help others through the process. This was a good time for me to start blogging again because this month is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month."  

Ellie's babysitter sent me a project that she thought that I would enjoy doing....she is right.  It is a good way to get my feelings about about my grief journey out and hopefully others can understand me more. Not that I need people to understand me, but sometimes it is so hard to get any point across about grief when no one understands you (not that I would want them to either).  This challenge has many good topics to challenge you to talk about these things through your grief journey and maybe think about some things that I have never thought of before.  Some of them look rather hard for me to answer as a look ahead but I am going to do my best <3

Here is the challenge:

Ellie has changed our lives in so many ways and I am so blessed that she is our first baby girl.  I still feel like I am living in a fog these past (almost) 10 months.  It just doesn't seem real that one second I was holding my baby girl and the next she is just gone.  She has inspired me to change many things in my life and how I live my life.  She has taught me a great deal about having more faith and doing anything I can to be able to help others in life.  This life here on this Earth is WAY TOO SHORT and I wish I could change the way my life has turned out, but that is not an option for me so I am going to live this life that I have been given to the fullest potential that God intended.  Experiencing the worst possible pain that you could ever endure on this Earth opens your eyes and changes your life drastically, but I thank God and Ellie for being with not only me, but my husband as well as we walk through this hard journey of grief and living here without our baby girl.  We couldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for having faith.

Ellie, Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anything.  We know that one day God will reunite us as a family once again and I know that day will be more than glorious.

Come visit me in my dreams anytime, sweet girl. 

I could watch this pretty girl sleep all day <3

Getting through August....

This Friday (the 16th) will be Ellie's first birthday.  This month has been rather hard on me as we creep on this special day without our precious baby here to celebrate the day with.   I can remember that day like it is yesterday...the best day of my life.  Bringing Ellie into this world was the best thing that God could have given Marc and I.  I can still remember the days leading up to the day she was born too...all the walks we took, bouncing on my exercise ball, making sure the bags were ready (and checking them again)....if you can't tell...we were so ready for our little princess to be here! 

I was set to be induced at 6 am Thursday, August 16, 2012, so I had set my alarm for 4:15 so I could get up and shower and give ourselves enough time to go to the hospital.  But our little stinker had a different plan in mind...she broke my water at 4 am that morning!  I just knew right then and there that we would have our hands full with a little diva!  She said, "I am doing this my way!" :)  I love her for being so strong-willed so early in her life.

The day went pretty well...even better when I got the epidural! The time came to push at 4 pm, so I thought, this is it! My baby will be here shortly! But that was not the case...our little princess wanted to stay in mommy's belly a little longer so I had to push for 2 1/2 hours before our little stinker decided to make her screaming appearance :)  Hearing her little scream was the best sound in the whole world!  I took one look at her and was instantly in love with her.  While they were cleaning her up, daddy went and talked to her and she calmed down instantly and looked around like "Hey, I know him!"  It was so precious! Being able to hold her and spend some family time with Ellie and Marc (before the family came to meet her) was the most precious time together.  We finally had our daughter here to join our little family.  My heart was finally complete.

Nothing is better than being a mommy.  I am so thankful that God has given Marc and I another little blessing to be able to have these special moments with too.  Losing Ellie was the hardest thing that Marc and I will ever go through in life.  Not that Olivia will be replacing Ellie in anyway, I just know she will bring us light and hope back into our life that has been lost for these past 8 months.  I just pray for our strength as we approach her birthday this week without her.  

We have decided to have a memorial "pretty in pink" birthday party with our family on Saturday to honor our little baby's 1st year.  On Friday, Marc and I took the day off together to remember the day that we spent with Miss Ellie when she was born.  We also decided to go to the zoo and take our princess her 1st birthday cake and balloons.  Those are obviously things we did not picture for our baby's 1st birthday (because she is not here) but we are still trying to do things to honor and remember her.  We know she will be with us and looking down on us celebrating her precious life.

We love you so much, Ellie Olivia.  I miss you more than anything and wish I could hold you here in my arms and give you so many kisses.  But, I will get to do that one day when God reunites us together.

See you in the morning, princess <3 

Daddy talking to his pretty princess <3  This melts my heart.

Holding my baby girl for the first time <3 Best moment EVER!

She says, "I'm cold!" :)

Introducing our pretty princess on her birthday! She is just so gorgeous! 

Dreaming....

I know I haven't blogged for a while.....things have been ok for me the last couple of weeks. I just hate to even say that because every time that I do there are a couple bad weeks just right around the corner.  That is just the road of grief I guess.....Thankfully I have God, my family, and my friends to get me through the rough weeks to help me get to some weeks of being "ok."

On Tuesday, Marc and I got to go have an ultrasound for Baby Walter #2!  Baby Walter #2 is  LITTLE GIRL!! Little Miss Olivia {after her big sister :) }I was so nervous up until this day because I wanted more than anything for this baby to be a girl so we could have that chance to raise a little girl.  We had so many hopes and dreams for Ellie and those were just ripped away.  We just wanted to be able to raise our little girl.  Don't get me wrong, I would have been happy and felt more than blessed with a little boy, but it's the things that I would have had to change after that I was so anxious about to have a little boy.  I was anxious for any kind of change.  Change is not my thing these days.  When you have the most unexpected and sudden change happen to you....change is HARD!  Marc and I are truly thankful for the two beautiful girls that God has given us. We knew that God would give us just what we needed <3


This morning I woke up just hoping that the dream I just woke up from was real.  Ellie came to me in my dream.  God gave her a second chance to live here on this earth with her mommy and daddy.  I was in complete shock that he allowed her to come back to us but I couldn't thank God enough that he let us have her again.  She looked just the same as she did when she left us.  She still had her crazy hair and she was the sweet, precious little 16 week old that I remember.  I got to carry her in her carseat, nurse her(which she didn't want to eat because she was too interested in everyone that was around), hold and kiss her....it was amazing!  My family had a get-together and everyone was so happy to see her.  As amazing as this dream was, I was terrified the whole time that she would leave me again. I watched her every second....she was never allowed out of my sight.  I couldn't have been more happy that she came to visit me in my dreams....I have not had a dream about her this whole time.   

I know this dream gave me several things that I had to think about.  I know God wanted me to know that I will be with her again and it will be more than wonderful, but also that there are going to be some fears that come along with Baby Olivia that he will help me get through.  I will be terrified every day for her life and I will probably never leave her....but God will be with me.  I just need to remember my faith and know that he will be with us as well as our precious little angel.

Ellie, Mommy and Daddy LOVE and MISS you more than anything!! I know you are watching over us and your little sister every day.  I will come and visit you here in a little bit.  <3

We used to send pictures like this to daddy all the time while mommy got to stay home with you. <3  You were always so happy when you got up in the morning.  Always talking and laughing with mommy.  I enjoyed every minute of it....I just wish we could still have those moments together.

A Better Week....

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while, but this week I am having a better week.  The last two weeks have just been more than rough so having a "better" week just gives me so much ease and peace.  I have recently described making it through the last two weeks as an "achievement."   I know that sounds silly, but making it through the toughest days/weeks is an achievement.  I may have taken it by baby steps, but I made it through.  The verse "for when I am weak, then I am strong" comes to mind these last couple of weeks.

Last week, Marc and I went to a genetics doctor in Indy because while at grad school, my best friend heard a lecture from this geneticist about hearing loss and SIDS.  Ellie had a slight hearing loss in her left ear that I was always so concerned about, but was told that it was so mild that she probably wouldn't even notice.  So I trusted the doctors and just went on my way.  This genetic doctor explained that hearing loss is also a common way that doctors find a heart arythmia (Prolong QT syndrome) in babies.  I have never heard of this information before this.  In a way I was upset that I never knew that there was even a possibility for something like this, but I also know that this is just a theory that they know about but it doesn't necessarily pertain to Ellie.  It does make me wonder though because an autopsy would never show these kinds of results...only a working heart would ever show this.  It makes me wonder if this is a "reason" to SIDS?  Although many questions arise with this new information, I have never been at more peace.  I feel like we had many of our open-ended questions answered by this wonderful genetic doctor.  Marc and I had genetic sampling done so we can just be pro-active about anything we can for this precious baby that is growing in my belly.  We are praying for nothing but good answers from this.

I know that it is hard for some people to understand, but I have come to peace that I will never know the answer as to why Ellie left us.  It is the hardest thing to come to this, but after the autopsy reports came back I read through the report (which I never should have done) and realized that she was just a healthy little baby and there was nothing that I could have done.  Ellie wanted Auntie Sam to go to that lecture so she could tell her mommy and daddy about these genetic findings.  I truly feel that there was something there that God wanted us to understand and he knew it would help us in our healing process.  They are not answers, but I am okay with that.  I needed to know this information and know some things I could do if this little baby has hearing loss too, since it is genetic.  It was also explained to us that it is a state law that all babies have to have an EKG during their newborn screen in the hospital.  This was just another thing to help ease my fears for this blessing in my belly.

God has truly blessed Marc and I in our lives and we thank him for blessing us with two beautiful babies everyday.  We know He is taking care of Miss Ellie and allowing her to watch over us and give us peace.  This lifelong process will always be a hard learning process but having faith through all of it will get us through.  Thank you, God <3

I love you so much, Ellie Olivia <3  Mommy and Daddy will come and visit in the morning.

Mommy loves you, pumpkin.  I wish I could hold you in my arms and kiss you all day.  I do know that one day I will be able to do that again....and that's for ETERNITY! <3

Hard week....

This week has just been so hard for me.  I have hit a new level of fear.  I knew it was coming, I knew there would be many things that I would fear for our new little baby that is growing in my belly. I have thought a lot this week about the last time I got to hold my precious little Ellie and just how life is just so unexpected.  I would have done ANYTHING to stop that HORRID day and just have her here....but I didn't have that option.  This fear consumes me everyday of my life.  I hate the horrible images I have in my head from "that day."  Just when I thought I was worried about Ellie....I have found a new level of worry that comes along with fear.  I just pray for this baby to stay healthy and right here on this Earth with their mommy and daddy.  I know Ellie is watching over us everyday as well as her little brother/sister.  I can just see her smiling knowing she is going to be a BIG SISTER and she will protect this baby in every way that she can.

Another thing that has been bothering me is when people say how strong I am.  I know it is a nice thing for people to say, and maybe they do think I am strong, but I don't feel strong at all.  I feel so weak.  People get to see the hard shell I put on everyday to face the world so I don't have to have all the questions.  They don't get to see the inside of me where I am screaming every second and thinking about the HORRIBLE day or how everything is just torn apart....especially my heart.  This is the true meaning of a broken heart.  There will always be a hole.  All I know is that I am "surviving" that worst thing that could ever possibly happen to me and I owe it all to having faith.  Don't get me wrong...having the best husband, family and friends is a HUGE help as well....but I could not do this without God.  He gives me the love and comfort I need everyday and also gives me a sense of peace when I need it most.  I know He or Ellie give me signs letting me know everything will be ok.  I am truly thankful to God for blessing us with Ellie and now another precious gift.

Ellie, mommy and daddy love and miss you more than anything. I wish more than anything I could have you here right here in my arms but I know that one day I will get to hold you again and that will be for ETERNITY! I can't wait for that day....I will never let you go!

Sleep tight princess. Mommy will come visit in the morning <3

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

The most precious picture <3 This was at her 3 month photo shoot.  I just loved when she would rub her eyes when she was tired.  We recently got this picture along with a few others from our photographer.  I had asked if she had any pictures of Ellie that she had not given us and this was one of them.  I love it so much.  It came at the right time because I was really missing her and taking her picture everyday.  And it was the week of Mother's Day.  God and Ellie worked together to make that happen....they knew I needed it <3

A good day....

Man! I have not said those words in so long... "Having a good day..." By no means does that mean I am better or that this good day is anything as happy as I was with Ellie... But today was a good day. Today my princess turned 9 months old and we got to to meet her little brother/sister!!! That's right... Ellie is going to be a BIG SiSTER! We found out at Easter time and our due date is December 5,2013 ( the day before our little angel joined God in Heaven). We truly believe Ellie and God are working hand in hand on this one.... Giving us another joyous blessing and hope. They want to give us light in a very dark path that we are on. This is our rainbow baby ❤

We did Ellie's balloon release tonight,with many of her family members joining us,and we even sent her a picture of BabyWalter :) her balloons were just beautiful... All spring colors! There were so many notes they wouldn't fly! But don't worry... She got her balloons :)

This week they are laying our cement at our plots... Hopefully that means our stone can be in soon so everyone can see her pretty little face when they come to visit. It's a good way to honor her and I am just ready for all the planning and hassle of it to be over. It's just a constant reminder of why we had to buy it and I hate that nightmare more than anything!!!

I didn't post on Mother's Day... But I made it through. That was the best that I could do. I tried to bake to keep my mind off things... I took a nap... Cried... Cries some more... I love that Ellie made mea mommy. ❤ I love that little girl more than anything.... And she wants me to make room for her little sibling too. I just see her smiling at me and telling God thank him for helping her mommy and daddy have a little smile again.

We have the most precious little girl and I am so thankful. I wish she could be here more than anything! I miss her more and more with every breathe and every day that goes by.

I love you, princess. Sleep tight.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

5 months...

I just can't even believe that it's been 5 months since I have been able to hold my precious angel. It doesn't seem real. I don't even feel like I have been living. These past few months I have been living in a fog and just going through the motions of life. I couldn't even tell you much of what I have done.... Except miss my baby more than anything. It's just SO hard to live a life without the little love of my life. We had so many plans we wanted to do with Ellie... We barely had any time to do them. But don't get me wrong... I am so blessed for the time I did have with her and I thank God everyday for letting me be her mommy.

I wish I could shake this funk of depression I've been in even with the warm weather. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is just around the corner and I am dreading it more than anything. I don't even want to go though that day at all. :( I am thankful that Ellie made me a mommy... But I don't want to celebrate it without her. That hurts so much. I wanted her here. I looked forward to that last year knowing she would be here with me and here i am without her and it sucks. We have no guarantee of tomorrow. Why can't Heaven just have visiting hours or even a phone call at least?!? It would give me a little brightness in this dark path. I know she is safe and being taken care of but I MISS HER!!!

Ellie, mommy loves you more than anything and I hope you get all my kisses and love in heaven. You are such a blessing to me and I miss you.

I hope you had a good day and played with all your angel friends. I will visit on the morning, princess. <3

I had to share a picture of my little ham! She is just so silly! I saw this picture the other day and just had to make it my background on my phone! I love it!!

Missing you....

Hi pumpkin-

The weather is so beautiful here today.....it makes me miss you even more because I really looked forward to the days where we could take you outside and play with your toys, take you walks, and hang out with your doggies in the backyard.  We just had so many plans for you and it breaks my heart even more when we come to the times that I looked forward to the most.  We had taken you on a few walks last fall and you just loved them.  I just know you would have even loved them even more now.

Your first walk <3  See how much fun you were having? :)

I made it through my first baby shower, without you here, on Sunday.  I did pretty well.  I think it was a little easier on me because this shower was for a boy and there were only 3 little kids there, but they were cousins that I am always around.  The one thing that just tore my heart to pieces is when the family got a motion detector monitor.  I am glad that families get those, but it reminded me that my princess isn't here with me and that this monitor is something to help ease the worry of what I had to go through with my precious princess.   I just hate that this has happened to our family.....or any family that has to go through this.  It is truly the WORST thing to EVER have to go through in our lives.  We will live forever changed for the rest of our lives here on this Earth.  Nothing is the same....nothing will ever be the same.  How could it be?  My baby is in Heaven.  That is one thing that gives me peace out of this whole situation....knowing that my baby is in Heaven being taken care of so well by the wonderful God himself.  I KNOW that he will reunite us with our baby again one day. 

Ellie, please watch over your little best friend (Izzy) tomorrow as she is having a couple different surgeries tomorrow.  Please be with her and the doctors and allow the surgery to go well, then send her home to mommy and daddy so she can have a healthy recovery.  Mommy is worried....

Your best friend was always by your side watching your every move...How precious <3

I love you so much, baby girl.  Miss you.....

"Now I lay me down to sleep.   I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen"

Wow! What a week.....

Hi princess-

Mommy and Daddy have had quite a week!  Last week, we were informed that someone had stolen your identity and claimed you on their taxes so our taxes were rejected.  I am just so incredibly sad and mad that someone could ever do that to my precious little baby.  It's disgusting.  But don't worry baby girl, Mommy and Daddy will not let that stand.  We are currently battling the state to "prove" that you are our baby and make sure that those people who did this to you know that that is WRONG! It will be a long process, but we will do anything for our baby. <3

We did have a really good day on Sunday....It was Mommy's birthday (which I was dreading not having my princess here to celebrate with me) but Mommy and Daddy made it a good day, we were both baptized at church that morning! It was the most rewarding and refreshing experience that I have ever had.  I am so glad that we have faith and that God is giving us the strength to continue through each day without you here.  Everyday is a struggling battle, but knowing that we have faith....it can get us through anything.  We are definitely realizing that we cannot do anything without faith in God. <3

Mommy took your little best friend, Izzy(our doggie), to the vet on Thursday and we found out that she has tumors in her mammary glands.  :(  The vet is very positive about the surgery that will be on May 1 and we have been praying that everything goes well and she can be healthy.  I know you will be watching over her <3

On Friday, Daddy came running up the stairs (before 5 in the morning!) and told me that our basement was flooded!! We had 18 inches of water in our basement when there was nothing the night before!  We both stayed home from work and dealt with the clean up, insurance and cleaners.  It was quite the day, but in light of the whole day, Mommy had bought you a box of colored starfish for this summer and the box emptied in the basement and there were starfish all over the basement floor!  It just made me smile and made me think you were there to give us some light and peace out of the situation.  You are such a special little girl.

I always know that visiting you or watching your videos will always give me some kind of peace and make me smile.  I had a lot of those this week, you make any situation better. <3

I love you so much baby girl.  I hope you are getting all of our love and kisses that we send you to Heaven everyday!  Miss you princess....

Happy little girl who was learning to giggle.  Nothing is more precious and heart-touching than your giggle....I miss it so much <3

Happy 8 month birthday....

Hi baby girl-

Happy 8 month birthday! I can't believe you are 8 months already. You are my precious baby girl and you are just getting so big. I wish I could see you grow.... I just miss you more than anything in this world! It's just hard to believe that you have ha more days in heaven than you had here on earth with mommy and daddy. But we think positively and think of the day when we will get to spend eternity with you! We just wish we could have had more time with you.

Losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. It's not even a pain I can describe because it is so awful. I hate that we have to go through this, but seeing so many other mommies and daddies going through this too breaks my heart. It's just awful. No one should have to experience this.

We have had so much going on in our lives these past few weeks and I feel bad that I have not written anything.... Hopefully I will have more time within the next few days to write more. I have so much to write about ( you already know since mommy tells you about it :) )

I love you more than anything, princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight princess <3

4 months....

4 months ago you went home to be with God in Heaven.... It was mommy and daddy's worst day of our lives but knowing you are with God gives us so much comfort and peace knowing how well you are being taken care of. It's even better than what mommy and daddy were doing (even though that just seems impossible because we loved caring for you and gave you everything!)

Instead of spending this day being horribly upset because it was the 6th... We spent the day doing something fun with you. Mommy and daddy had a picnic back at your spot and flew an owl kite that Grammy bought you for Easter. We were having fun just spending time with you and we both just knew you were smiling watching that kite! We were calling it the "crazy kite!" It would fly low, then high, then back down, it spun in circles and when daddy was flying it, it almost came down and hit mommy in the head! It was silly! :) we both thought you were probably chasing the kite around and saying "I'm gonna get you!" We knew you were just loving it! I loved that the owl had little wings that fluttered as it flew through the air... It made me think of your pretty little wings ❤

We love and miss you more than anything, princess. I hope you had a wonderful time with us today and in Heaven too (but what day isn't :) )

We will see you in the morning baby girl.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen"

Sleep tight princess
Xoxoxo

Your First Easter.....

Hi baby girl,

How are you?  How was your first Easter?  Mommy and Daddy missed you very much!!! We wish we could have dressed you up in your pretty little dress and took you to church to learn all about what Jesus did for us.  But instead, you got to spend your first Easter with the wonderful man himself.  I bet it was the biggest celebration ever!  Did all the angels, or Jesus, tell you the story of Easter?

Mommy and Daddy tried to stay as busy as we could all weekend so we wouldn't be sitting around being horribly upset that we didn't get to spend another holiday with you.  These holidays are the hardest and we have had to go through several of your firsts without you here.  It just gets harder.  

You are just SO LOVED! Many of your family members brought you Easter gifts and sent you cards.  Nothing makes this momma smile more than someone remembering you.  That is just so important to mommy.  I fear that as time goes on, people will stop doing that.  Mommy and Daddy will ALWAYS remember you for the rest of our lives, you are our most precious gift and I thank God everyday for you.  I guess I shouldn't worry....you are so precious!! How could ANYONE ever forget you?  You have made an impact on so many people's lives and who would ever forget that gorgeous smile (with your tongue out ) and your crazy hair?!?  :)

Here are just some of the gifts that you received for Easter.  It is not about the gifts, but it's nice to give you our love even when you aren't with us here on this Earth. <3

Your new cross light from Aunt Teri, Uncle Jim, Jimmy and Delaney :)

Your cousins, Jimmy and Delaney, planted "Ellie flowers." (forget-me-nots)  They decorated their flower pots and planted their flowers!  I can't wait for them to bloom!  They will be as beautiful as you :)

Jimmy and Delaney's flower pots :)

I love you princess.....more than anything!  I wish I could give you kisses good-night, but I will blow them up to you so you can get them :)

I can't wait to visit in this nicer weather tomorrow!  I will bring your big story book :)

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Just you hanging out with your cousins!  You just loved kids!  You would just stare at everything that they would do! I know you are making so many friends up in Heaven :)

Coloring Easter Eggs....

Hi Baby Girl--

One thing that I really wanted to do with you was to color Easter eggs.  I know that is not the meaning of Easter, but it is a fun tradition to do every Easter.  I know you would have loved it because of all the colors!  Your play mat was a bright color and had colored flashing lights on it....and you loved watching that! {Maybe it was the lights and not the colors :) }

I hope Jesus and all of the angels are telling you all about the Easter story this week.  Not having you here to celebrate this joyous occasion with will be really hard, but I am going to celebrate that day for Jesus.  I am thankful for him for dying for our sins, but I am also SO thankful for Him taking care of you! I am so blessed you are in great hands.

I wanted to share your Easter eggs with you {even though you have already seen them :) }

Here are your Easter eggs from Mommy, Daddy and your doggies :)  Can you guess which one is from who?  I bet you can :)

All of your eggs :)

Mommy has the day off tomorrow so I will be able to visit longer tomorrow! Hopefully it will be warmer!

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Sleep tight princess.  Mommy loves you more than anything <3

Silly girl :)  You just loved bath-time! You loved when we put the warm "fishy" towel on you to keep you warm :)  

3 months 20 days.....

Hi baby girl---

Mommy had a rough morning today.... When I woke up this morning the thought of 3 months and 20 days was strong on my mind. When you went to Heaven you were 3 months and 20 days.  I couldn't figure out why I was thinking that....It all started to make sense when I looked at the date today, March 26.  You have been away from Mommy and Daddy for 3 months and 20 days.   It is so hard to think that you have been gone for as long as we had you here with us. :(  That hurts so much.  I just knew when we started approaching the 4th month of you being gone, that things would start getting really hard for me.  It just doesn't make sense that you could be gone that long.  I wish I could have you here.

I hate that I have to think of things in numbers, but that is how I think of things now.  All these numbers just run through my head.....I guess that is better than the nightmare thoughts...but most of the time the numbers bring those nightmares to the surface.  

I pray that this next month of hardships goes better than I am thinking.  I hate the feeling of anxiousness and I know you and God will be with both Mommy and Daddy.

Are you looking forward to Easter?  Is Jesus telling you the meaning of Easter?  Is it a big celebration?  I can't wait for you to tell Mommy all about it.

I love you princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Sleep tight baby girl. I will come and visit in the morning.

You are such a silly little monkey just hanging out on the couch with mommy.  You always make me smile <3

Some things are just SO hard...

Hi baby girl....

This morning at church was a little rough for me. All the pregnant mommies are starting to have their babies and there are just babies everywhere I look. Somedays I am ok being around babies, but this morning it was so heartbreaking. I just miss you more than anything :( I hate that I can't hold and love on you and give you all of my kisses. I hate that I can't hear your giggle. I hate that I can't feed you. I hate not getting you dressed in the morning. I just hate that I can't have you here. You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me and it hurts that you aren't here. I am trying so hard to adjust to this new life of mine, but it is the hardest thing ever. I know God is taking care of you so well.... He is the best! He is even helping mommy and daddy each and every day so we can be strong for you.

I had to apologize to God several times today because I wasn't listening to Pastor Jason's word very well this morning because I couldn't stop looking at all the babies that were surrounding us. I was too distracted and I felt bad.

I bet Jesus was telling you about his trip to Jerusalem today and how people were honoring him by laying their coats and palms down for him to travel in on. This week is a really big week for what Jesus did for all of us. He died for all of our sins. What a lucky girl you are to hear that story from him and know him in person. I can't wait for you to tell me all about him.

I went shopping with Grammie yesterday and all I wanted to do was go home. It hurt seeing all the pretty Easter dresses everywhere we went. I purposely didn't walk by any baby sections yesterday, but of course they put their kid dresses at the front of the store. We gave your angel a pretty dress since we can't give you one. I know you would have looked beautiful.... You always do!!

I love you SO much princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight, baby girl. I'll come see you in the morning.

Your angel's pretty Easter dress <3

This picture was taken your first day at Cynthia's.  {Mommy's first day back to work and you were still happy as can be <3}

Missing your voice...

Good morning baby girl. I woke up today just missing mommy and Ellie days and hearing you tell me everything you wanted to do for the day. You were really just finding your voice and had so much to say. You found your hands and thought they were so tasty (sometimes you said they taste like lollipops) :) I loved watching you discover new things. I wish I could still watch you do that. It makes me wonder so much what you would be doing right now. How much would have grown? What new things would you show me you could do? It's so hard to even picture it because in my mind you are forever frozen my baby at 16 weeks old. And that hurts more than anything. I will never stop loving or missing you, princess. At least today is Thursday as I can come visit you for a longer time :) what book shall we read today? I guess I will make it a surprise :)

I wanted to share one my favorite videos of Miss Ellie ❤ this is how happy and excited she was in the morning. {Probably because she knew it was time to eat :) } how could waking up to her every morning not be the best thing in the world?!? I have to watch these videos of her often because I need her and she makes me smile.

{Sorry if the video looks stretched out....I am not very good at video editing to make it work for blogger lol}

Love you pumpkin!

7 month birthday....

Happy 7 month birthday baby girl! I cannot even think where all this time has gone. You are getting to be such a big girl now and I wish you were here so mommy and daddy could watch you get bigger and learn new things. What would you be doing now? Would you be saying "mama" and crawling? What kind of foods would you like? (Although I'm sure you wouldn't have been too picky.... You loved to eat!) But I know you would let us know if you didn't! You sure were a little diva with the Walter attitude :) of course I blame that on daddy ;)

You had such a beautiful balloon release today with 7 balloons! (4 pink and 3 green for St Patricks day) Your family all came to share their love to you on your special day. Mommy was so glad to have Cynthia(Ellie's babysitter) there today! She has been sending you notes every month and she wanted to come today! I know she has been having a rough time, but seeing the smile on her face today brought warmth to my heart. I know you brought us together with her so we could lean on eachother for strength. We all just love you so much! We also had a new joiner today, mommy's friend , Mariah! She sent you a note last month but came this month! I am so glad we can have people join us to celebrate you! You are more than wonderful and have changed all of our lives. I am so grateful for you. Could you tell God thank you from mommy and daddy? He gave you to us and we are so blessed. I can't wait until God reunites us again one day.

Today we had an extra celebration, it's your angel buddy, Jovi's first birthday! We sent her our love and some balloons today too! I know you girls had a big celebration with other angels and God and you watched as we celebrate both of you. You both are such precious gifts from God. I pray Jovi's family found strength and comfort as they remember why this day is so important to them... I hope I have that same strength on your birthday too, baby girl.

I love and miss you more than anything in this world. Mommy and daddy will one visit in the morning and guess what?!? You get new decorations tomorrow for Easter :)

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight princess 💗

Bad day just gone worse.....

Hi baby girl.....Yesterday and today have just been awful for the horrible thoughts.  I have been doing so well pushing out the nightmarish thoughts out of my mind and just remembering the good memories that you gave us and just being sad because I miss you more and more everyday.  This life is already hard enough not having you here....but the bad thoughts can just STAY AWAY.  I just couldn't figure out why all of a sudden I was having those awful thoughts from December 6th.  It was like I had to relive that whole day all day today.  It just hurt my heart so much.  It all came together when I got home after work and got the mail.  Your death certificate was in there.  I was immediately hysterical.  That hurt SOO MUCH!!!  I felt like I was in that day all over again.  Coming home without you, seeing you like you were that day, the screams, just EVERYTHING! I HATE that day more than anything.  It was like I was being prepared for that piece of crap mail the last two days.  It sucks.

I have just had so much on my mind lately.  I think about you all day EVERYDAY and it hurts mommy and daddy so much that we can't physically parent you.  We want that more than anything and we know that that is not an option that we can have with you.  (until eternity....then I will never let you go!!!)  Mommy and daddy have been thinking about having another baby....NEVER would that baby replace you or take the pain away that we don't have you here...but we know you would like a brother or sister.  They will be the luckiest baby to have their big sister always watching over them.  We just hope that God can bless us again with another precious baby just like you.  We love you.

My heart has also been sad this week as I feel for one of mommy's friends whose baby's 1st birthday is this weekend.  I am sure you have met sweet Jovi and you guys probably smile down on your mommies and daddies.  I just know how much that day will hurt me by not having you here on one of the biggest days of your life.  I just pray for her strength as she celebrates her life while we celebrate your 7 month birthday.  I hope you guys can have a birthday party together in Heaven.

So many emotions this week....I am thankful I have the day off tomorrow to just get my thoughts in order and come and see you.  I would love to be able to spend more time with you rather than having to go to work after.  Looking forward to that peaceful time with you.

I love you more than anything, princess.

One of my favorite pictures of my princess.  You definitely are a princess.  I was so excited for you to wear your tutu and the beautiful crown that Auntie Sam had made for you.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

3 months.....

How can it even be?  3 months have gone by since you went to Heaven.  The first 3 months of your life just flew by and I kept saying you were just growing up way too fast!!  I don't even remember the last 3 months....without you here I just live in a fog.  I am surviving....but I just don't feel like I can even "live" without the most important person in my life here with me.  My mind just goes everywhere about  what my life is possibly going to look like now.  There are no guarantees for tomorrow. Once we found out we were pregnant with you, my whole life changed!  I had so many hopes for you and I looked forward to watching you grow up and be that precious little girl that would one day get married and give me some grandbabies.  But all those hopes were ripped away from me the moment you left.

I am more than thankful that God blessed us with you.  You are the most precious gift your daddy and I could ever receive.  I am also thankful that you are being so well taken care of.  I know you are having the most wonderful life in Heaven and you have so many angel friends.  I would give anything in this world to have you right here with me, but unfortunately that is not an option that I get.  But.....I do know that we will be together again one day....and I look forward to that day!! And no, I am not suicidal, but after losing a child you lose that fear of death and look forward to the day when you get to go through (or run through :) ) those Heaven gates because you have someone who is more than special to you there waiting for you! That will be the most wonderful day....I can't wait to have eternity with you.

I hope you liked the flowers that mommy brought you this morning.  I bought green ones since it's getting close to St. Patrick's Day. (and it matches all your other decorations that you have with you)  This morning was really rough for me.  It just hurt so much knowing that it was the 6th.  I hate being reminded of why I hate that date SO MUCH! I have those horrible thoughts more than I want to, but when it's the 6th (especially in the morning) I am hauntingly reminded of December 6th and everything that came along with it.  Being with you and talking to you gave me a sense of calmness before I went to work.  I was glad that I could stay busy at work today....I think God wanted it to snow so I wouldn't have to be at the school today.  I haven't been at the school on the 6th since that day....I am glad that I haven't been either, I just think that would make that day even worse.  I can't deal with those feelings.

I love you more than anything in this world princess.  I hope you sang lots of songs today and played with all of your friends.  I MISS YOU!!

I took this picture of you December 5 when we were getting ready to go for the day.  You were always such a happy little baby, especially in the morning.  I know you are continuing to make people smile.  You will make me smile for the rest of my life knowing that you are mine.