Asking God What.....

Last week, I made a blog post about a church service that we had about asking God "what" rather than "why."  I have been changing the way that I talk to God and have tried really hard all week not to ask him "Why?"  This week I have been asking more "What" questions....such as.... What can you do for Marc and I as we go through this journey?  What is it that I need to know?  What is Ellie up to?  What do we need to stay strong and get through this grief together?   It was really hard to ask God these questions because I was so used to asking him Why?  But I was not getting any answers and I wasn't feeling better by asking him Why.

On Friday, Auntie Sam went to grad school (for Speech Pathology) and had a seminar presented by a Geneticist and an Audiologist.  Their presentation was on hearing loss and all the syndromes that can be present along with it.  You had a slight hearing loss in your left ear(by your birthmark), but we were told that it was slight enough not to worry about it and that you probably didn't even notice it.  We were going to take you back at 9 months for another hearing screen.  One thing that Auntie Sam learned was that even a slight hearing loss can have something to do with the kidneys.  Which concerned me because you were jaundice when you were born and we had to have your poor little feet pricked for the first 3 days that you were home :(  (Jaundice has to do with the kidneys). Auntie Sam talked to the geneticist after the seminar and told him all about you (the hearing loss, the jaundice and colic). He immediately rambled off some kind of syndrome.  He said it could also not be that, but would like to meet mommy and daddy so we can do genetic testing to see if we are carriers of that syndrome.  He also stated that this type of syndrome can be treated with medicine.  That makes me so mad and so sad all at the same time.  If this is what it was, then we could have done something for you.  I asked so many times about your hearing loss and was so worried about your jaundice and colic.  Every pediatrician and audiologist that we talked to said they were all fine and they were nothing to worry about.  I was still concerned, but I believed them because they are the medical professionals.  I don't at all blame them either because MAYBE they didn't know that syndromes like this even exist from the symptoms that you had.  I cannot blame them and I cannot blame myself.  But I want you to know that I would have done ANYTHING baby girl if I would have known.  This could possibly be an answer, but we could also be right back where we are with nothing....and I am okay with that because I have been dealing with that for the last month.  I don't at all accept it because I just don't believe you can go to Heaven for NOTHING when you were the healthiest little baby that I knew and that the toxicology report described.

Is this WHAT God wants me to know?  Does He want me to be an advocate for all the little babies that could be like you?  I truly feel that we were presented with this information because God was answering my prayers. He is so amazing and I am so blessed that He is taking care of you until we are together again.  My love for you and God grows stronger everyday.  I am blessed and so thankful <3

I miss you more than anything in this world pumpkin.  Love you princess <3

This is the outfit that mommy got for Auntie Sam for Jack to wear.  He wore it when he was 3 months old and so did you <3  Of course we have the cutest babies and of course they would wear an "I Love Mommy" onesie :)

You Are SO Special.....

I cannot explain how simply amazing you are.  You have given mommy so many signs that you are here with us all the time.  A couple of weeks ago Daddy and I were headed up to bed and after I turned off the stair lights, I saw these little glowing foot prints on the stairs.  I yelled for Daddy to come and look and they were gone.  I turned the light on several times to see if they would come back and they never did.  Tonight, Daddy and I came upstairs to go to bed and I was already in our room.  Daddy yells "Brooke, come look!"  I said "What?"  But he says, "Nevermind, they are gone."  He said when he turned off the lights he saw those same little glowing foot prints on the stairs!! I was so jealous! I have been looking for those ever since that night I saw them because I know they were a sign from you.  But I am so glad Daddy got to see them. He needs those signs too.

We just love you more than anything in this world.  Please keep giving us these signs.  They keep us strong and going with every rough day that we have.

The day you started to giggle <3

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen"

I Just Have So Much to Tell You....

Mommy is so sorry that I have not written to you in a while.  Life sometimes just gets away from me and I don't even realize it.  I feel like I am going through my life in a fog and just doing all the motions without actually living it.  How can I "live" my life here without you?  I had SO MANY plans for you and I looked forward to all of your firsts.  You are just my whole world and now you are in Heaven.  It hurts more and more with each day that passes.

Life is SO HARD.  Something that I am thankful for for you is that you are in Heaven and you are healthy, safe and don't have the worries that we do here on Earth.  I am thankful that you don't have to have any hardships there.  I know you look down on us everyday and send us your love.  I feel it.  Please keep sending me signs....I pray that you will visit me in my dreams.  I have dreams about you, but I am only talking about you and never get to actually see you.

This week has been a "better" week in a sense that I don't feel like I am an uncontrollable emotional disaster.  But this week has also been hard in the "dealing with loss" department.  Daddy's step Uncle (Randy) and Step Grandpa (Willie) passed away Friday and Monday this week.  With every loss, it is so hard.  It brings up so many awful memories and feelings from what we had to do with you.  I pray for strength for us to get through these funerals.  At the viewing the other day, they played the song "Amazing Grace" and I lost it.  That was one song I requested for your funeral because that was my grandpa's favorite song.  I felt bad leaving the family so quickly, but I just couldn't handle it.  You are my precious baby and hearing that song just brought back those horrific thoughts from that day.  I just feel so weak with all of my emotions.  I do have do say that I was jealous that they got to meet you in Heaven.  I know they hugged you for daddy and I and that they will watch over you until I get there one day.  That is the only thing that brings a smile on my face....knowing I will get to be with you for ETERNITY!!! 

On Sunday, we had the best service at church.  I was pretty sure that he was doing this sermon just for me.  He talked about the storms that we go through in life and how we need not to ask God WHY but to ask him WHAT he can do for us to walk us through these storms that we encounter.  The WHY question is just so heavy on my mind everyday! I know God doesn't want us to question WHY he does things, but it is just a natural human reaction.  I am so glad Pastor Jason gave me another way to think of things and to pray for things.

Princess, I hope you are singing your songs everyday and getting to play with all of your new friends in Heaven.  I can't wait to meet them either......and for you to show me everything you have learned!

I love and miss you MORE THAN ANYTHING!!! Sleep tight princess.

A picture of you after your first bath at home!  You weren't so fond of the first one, but you grew to love them! 

Happy 6 Month Birthday....

Hi baby girl-

You had your 6 month birthday on Saturday....I just don't even know where the time has gone.  Of course all of your family got together and sent you your 6 balloons and sent you notes.  It was FREEZING outside but we would do anything for you.  No one would have missed it for anything.  When Daddy and I released the balloons, they took off so fast!  You must have been waiting for them to get to you.  I just know the angels are reading each and every one of those notes to you.

Sending you SO MUCH love to Heaven!  Mommy looks forward to this every month.  It is one thing that I can actually look forward to.  I don't really have anything else to look forward to these days....


It's so hard for me to think of what you would look like....I still see you as my 16 week old little princess.  I often go into your room and look at all of your clothes and headbands that you didn't get to wear yet and I wonder if you would be able to wear them now.   I just can't picture you any bigger and it hurts.  I just told Daddy tonight how much I missed bath night because you loved it so much! I can just imagine you sitting up in the bath by yourself now and playing with all of your toys! I bet you would have just loved it even more (until it got cold :)  )  You didn't like being cold in there. :)  

I love you more than anything in this world.  I will come and see you in the morning princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Happy Valentine's Day Baby Girl....

Happy Valentine's Day my little princess! I can't believe that this is your first Valentines!  This day has been hard for me in so many ways.  Because it is your first, not being able to dress you up in your Valentines pretties and physically give you my love is making it even harder.  Daddy and I love you more than anything and I hope you can feel all the love that we are giving you each and everyday.  We wish more than anything that we could just have you right here with us.  Our precious Valentine is in Heaven with Jesus and we know that one day the three of us will be able to have our first Valentines together.  Mommy and Daddy both look forward to that day! 

I know you are looking down on us and sending us your love too....  Today while I was writing to you in the card that Mommy and Daddy got for you, I felt the sun so brightly shining on my face.  I just know that you were there with me while I was writing in it.  Daddy brought you a dozen pink roses this morning with a Valentines book and then later Mommy brought you some balloons, a little stuffed animal and another Valentines book.  I just hate that we have to bring these things to you at your gravesite.  I want you to be here with us and having you sit in the living room to open them on your own.  I hate that these are the pictures that I have to send to the family instead of your sweet smiling face (of course, with your tongue out :) ).  But I still wanted to let you have that Valentines that I wanted you to have in the first place.  I know that it is not the same without you here, but I will still do anything for you and I will not be completely jipped of being able to do things for you...so I will just have to do things in the new way that our life has turned out to be.  

All of your Valentine's gifts!! You are more than loved!! 

You have gotten so many cards from your family and little gifts to show their love for you.  You are just one special little girl and I am so blessed that you are mommy and daddy's.

I love you more than anything baby girl.

Honoring and Remembering You....

Hi baby girl.  Sorry it's been a while since I have been able to write. My emotions have just been everywhere these past couple of weeks.  I know I will always have times where things seem to be harder than what they are at other times but I feel like I just can't get that break these last couple of weeks.  Basically ever since I got your toxicology report.  I didn't get any answers and I just feel so lost everywhere in my life.  Everything is so hard without you.  My heart will truly be broken for the rest of my life here on earth.  I feel that the only way that hole will ever heal is when I get to see you again in Heaven.  I always hear people say...."Things will get better with time."  I just don't feel like they will.  I think the rawness of the whole nightmare will be the other thing that might possibly get a small bit better....but not having you here and missing you will never get better.  I feel like those things get harder with each day that passes.

Last weekend, Daddy and I cleaned the house (we haven't had the best cleaning skills lately....we just don't have the energy to do it).  I went upstairs by your room and your laundry basket was sitting by your room just like it was the week you left us.  I thought...maybe I could just put those clothes away that were in that basket. (We still have the last load I did of yours washed and on the dryer and all your dirty clothes are still in your basket).  I picked up the basket and carried it into your room from the loft and immediately was hysterical.  I didn't even take anything out of it, all I did was carry it into your room.  Some people might say that was nothing....but that was a HUGE step for me.  I know it will take baby steps with everything that I do without you here, but that hurt so much.  I want things to be just the way they were when you were here.  I thought if I put your clothes in your drawers that it would be ok because I still had them out in your room, but I guess not.  And that's ok.  That step of taking the clothes into your room was big enough for me.  There is no time on when I need to do things...I will do them at my own pace with you and God by my side.

We also got to decorate for Valentine's for you!  I think you just love it. <3  

Yesterday was a day that was full of so many emotions.  It was the date that marked not being able to hold my baby for 2 SUPER LONG months and we also got to honor you with a blood drive held in mommy and daddy's hometown in your name.  I was glad that the blood drive was on the 6th because that day is always so hard and brings back so many horrible memories of December 6, but having something on that day to honor and remember you by helped get me through the day with better thoughts.  I just know you were looking down on everyone yesterday smiling knowing that because of all the people that LOVE you we could help save lives of other people through our donations.  92 people came and donated blood yesterday in honor of you! :)  What a precious little girl you are for helping others.  You are a beautiful angel and your mommy and daddy are so proud of you.  We will continue to honor you for the rest of our lives here on earth.

The memorial wall the church created from the people who were donating :)

Mommy and Daddy gave blood and helped at the blood drive all day!  I have never given blood before because my veins are very tiny....(I was in pain from the big needle), but I sucked it up and did it for my baby so she could help others.

Tonight mommy and daddy are going to go see the draft of our family headstone...not something we ever wanted....but I want to see what you will have with you that we can honor you by.  I wish it was something else we could give you, but we don't have that option right now.  When we are done with that, we are going to our monthly parent support group.  We are trying to stay strong for you.  Thank you for that strength you give us everyday.  I love you more than anything princess and I miss you SO MUCH!!

Hugs and kisses all the way to Heaven from mommy and daddy  XOXOXOXO