16 weeks.....

Yesterday, Olivia turned 16 weeks old. This was another hard bump to overcome in my grief journey. When Ellie passed away at 16 weeks old exactly, I was terrified the same would happen to her sister. Even though I know anything could happen at anytime in life, I have so much faith that God will keep Olivia here with her mommy and daddy with her big sister always watching over her. 

The days leading up to these "bumps" that give me so much fear and anxiety. They're the worst. I cried just hoping and praying that those days wouldn't be the last with my baby. I can't help but fear and think these horrible thoughts from what I have been through. But, having a strong faith is what gets me through. I know that I will be able to experience everything this earth has to offer with Olivia. God is going to provide Marc and I with the strength and guidance in raising Olivia in a life where she can follow God. 

Today is a new day. I now will get the chance to parent past 16 weeks old. I know I WILL get to see Livvy eat foods, crawl, walk, go to the beach, go to school, make friends, get her license, graduate from high school and college, get her first job, get married, have kids and everything else God has planned for her here with us. I cannot thank God enough for blessing us with her and putting so much love back into our hearts. I know Ellie worked with God and asked Him to send her little sister to us to help us love and smile again. I feel Ellie's presence everyday and feel so blessed with having two precious and beautiful girls. I am so thankful. ❤️

Approaching 16 weeks....

As Olivia approaches being 16 weeks old, I am just a ball of emotions. Sad, scared, anxious.... It just takes me back to when Ellie was here. I want more than anything to be able to experience my baby's life after that point and I know I  will with Olivia, it's just heartbreaking that I didn't get to with Ellie. Up to this point I have been able to relate the girls doing so many things the same and I won't be able to after this because I don't have those memories with Ellie. That just breaks my heart. 

I'm also nervous because I have never parented past 16 weeks, so it will be like being a first time mom even when I am not. I love being a mom more than anything. I often tell myself I am a special kind of mom because my heart is in two places, Heaven and Earth. I'm sure I will be an emotional mess as I experience all these "firsts" with Olivia that I didn't get with Ellie, but I will continue to thank God for each one of those memories. 

Losing a child changes your life in so many ways. Ellie has given me strength that I never knew I had and makes me appreciate life in such a different way. I am able to be thankful for the "small stuff" that many people take for granted and I try my hardest to love and be happy with what I have been given everyday. I am thankful that God and Ellie have helped me every step of the way through this journey of grief. Sometimes I can't believe that I have made it this far, but I have and it's all because of them. 

Mommy loves and misses you so much, Ellie. I am so thankful that you are my baby and I know I will see you again.... And it will be for eternity then ❤️

This picture is the day before Ellie passed and turned 16 weeks old. I cherish this picture so much. Man I miss her. 

Hard day....

Yesterday was a day full of anxiety. When your sister was born, I asked the pediatrician for a sleep apnea monitor for her so I could have a little peace of mind when trying to sleep through the night. It has been a huge blessing to have that monitor for her because it lets me know if something isn't right. Yes, we have had a few false alarms where a connection would come loose, but I would take many false alarms rather then not knowing something was wrong and the worst thing ever happening again.

The night before, Livvy's monitor kept going off with the light of low heart rate on. It not only happened once, but it happened 5 times throughout the night. Of course I panic and think the most awful thoughts and call the apnea company (since the ped would want to know what their settings were first) first thing in the morning.  Of course it took them forever to call me back and the alarm still went off through her morning nap. Finally, after a couple of hours, they called and explained that she is just growing and the setting on the monitor is still set to newborn. After they check the monitor every month, they look at where her resting heat rate is and change the monitor to her "normal." I guess it wasn't done last time bc the dr hadn't ordered it yet! Ugh! So after a day full of worry, she is healthy and safe right here beside me. 

It's crazy how after you went to heaven how quickly anxiety and worry sets in and I start to think the worst. I just have to tell myself to breathe and pray to God that everything will be alright. I know you are always watching over us and that makes me feel comfort. One of the hardest things I am trying to overcome is to "have faith, not fear." It's so hard to just let go when we have been through the worst thing imaginable on this earth. It's a constant struggle, but I am working on it. There is no time limit to my feelings and I know some days will be harder than others, but I know I can always count on my faith to get me through. I know that is how I have made it this far and I am thankful for that. 

I miss you more and more each day, Ellie. Your sister does so many things like you and it makes me smile and melts my heart. I feel like you have taught her some of these things (like sticking your tongue out) because you want to see mommy smile. And it works :) she has the best big sister in the world to look up to. I am more than blessed to have you both ❤️

I love you so much, pretty girl. 

Livvy sticking her tongue out at mommy :)

Just like you :)