Taking the Tree Down....

Hi baby girl.  I love that on the weekends I get to see you several times throughout the day because we might be in town and have more time.  We got up and went to church this morning.  I love that when we sing the songs I get goosebumps like I know you and God are there.  It gives me a sense of peace.  One song this morning talked about giving it all to God and praising him for what he gives us.  This song made me very emotional because my everything (you) is now with God and I thank Him everyday for blessing me with you.  I have grown my faith in God and it's all because of you.  It's so unfortunate that my relationship with God has become stronger in this kind of manner.  I would have loved to have grown that relationship with you here with me and teaching you all about Him.  But now, you are with Him and you have an even better relationship and understanding of God than I do.  You are so blessed.

This afternoon, daddy mentioned taking the tree down.  I have been putting it off this whole time.  To most people, taking the tree down is something that people want to do right away because they are tired of the space that it is taking up.  And I used to be like that, until this year.  You were able to watch/help us put the tree up this year and that day is so strong in my mind because you loved seeing the lights go up.  You kicked your little legs with excitement and of coarse you loved the Christmas music that we had on!  To me, taking that tree down felt like I had to put that memory away.  I know I shouldn't think like that because I will always have the memory in my heart but it's so hard.  I wanted more than anything to spend your first Christmas with you.  It breaks my heart.  That tree, as big and space-taking that it may have been, was a blessing to me this year.  It was something you were a part of.  I told myself, while taking the tree down, that Christmas wasn't about the tree, it is about Jesus.  You had the best Christmas of anyone because you got to spend it with Him.  He is keeping you safe and happy until I get there one day and you will be able to tell me all about that first Christmas of yours with Jesus.

This is the ornament that I bought for our new family of three this year.  I had just bought it and didn't have a hook for it yet.  Then after you went to Heaven I couldn't find the strength in myself to hang it on the tree and I never turned the lights on again.  It was something that you were supposed to be there for   :(



I love you more than anything in this world pumpkin.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely though the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."
Sleep tight.

Toxicology....

Hi precious girl.... I have had such an interesting week to say the least.  Yesterday should have been a good day knowing I would have two days off after I got off of work, but it wasn't.  While on my way home from work I got a phone call from the coroner...your toxicology reports came back.  He wasn't going to be able to meet with mommy and daddy until Monday, but since I knew they were in I had to ask him to tell me about it briefly because I would have been an anxious mess all weekend.  (Not that I haven't been emotional all weekend about them anyways)  He told me that they found NOTHING and the cause was SIDS.   How can that even be?!?  I told myself that they probably wouldn't have answers for us and everyone kept telling me that I probably wouldn't but there was a small hope that I would.  I didn't want anything to be wrong with you because that would have hurt too knowing that you were hurting but any kind of answer would have given me some sense of ease.  Knowing nothing just has my mind running in all directions all the time.  I can't even begin to understand any of this.  He told me you were perfectly healthy.  You had everything that you needed, everything worked properly and was in the right place, you didn't even have the slightest bit of a cold.  He also said your serotonin levels came back normal too. (I asked that they checked that since I had done so much research about SIDS and serotonin levels)  You were perfect.  But you already knew that you were perfect to mommy and daddy and you still are. I just don't get any of this at all.  I don't know how you could be perfectly healthy one minute and in Heaven the next.  You had so much life ahead of you and we had so many plans for you.  I guess God had a different plan.  I am not mad at God.  I have more faith now than I ever have before and I know He is taking great care of you until I can be with you again.  The thought of being able to be with you for ETERNITY keeps me going.  You give me the strength to keep going.  What a precious little angel you are.  I am so blessed to be your mommy.

I was able to go out with your grammie today and just have a girls day.  It was just what I was needing...I just felt like something was missing all day....YOU!  You were such a good little shopping buddy with mommy and grammie and I loved taking you places.  I just miss you so much.  I know you are watching down on me and trying to keep me strong.  On our way home today (it was pretty cloudy out) the sun came out so quick and was shining in on me and I got butterflies in my stomach.  I just knew it was you telling me it was ok and you are doing so well.  I love all these little signs that you give me.  I need them.  You just know when I need them the most.  Please don't ever stop giving those to me.  I enjoy every little bit of them.

One of our many shopping trips on a Saturday with Grammie :)  You are such a stylin' little diva :)

Tonight we came upstairs to lay in bed and your favorite little doggie, Izzy, has been breaking my heart.  She just misses you so much too.  She jumped in your bassinet that still sits by mommy's bed and sniffed around just looking for you.  She just sat in there with such a sad face and I know she just wonders where you are and she misses you so much.  She loves when I take her to go and see you.  She just sits right there with you.  You know your other doggie Muffy just isn't quite the same.  She loves you differently...she just would rather lay by herself :)

She misses you....

I love you so much baby girl.  Sleep tight and mommy and daddy will come and see you in the morning before church.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen.

Missing you....

I have been so busy at work this week.  Mommy has started back to work this week working my normal hours.  It is very exhausting.  I get up an hour early so I can come and visit you in the morning to start my day off right and then after work I come home and I am so mentally exhausted.  It doesn't help that I still can't sleep very well either.  I try so hard to think of the good memories that we got to share with you but those haunting ones always have to push their way through and just make me sick.  I just HATE those thoughts and mental images that I get from that HORRIBLE day.

My arms just feel so empty without you.  I feel like I need to be patting your butt and swaying you side to side because that is what you liked best.  I wish we could be snuggling right now...even though I know you would have been in bed a long time ago :)  You were so good at getting to bed every night right around 7:30.  I looked at the bathtub tonight and just thought how much I miss bath nights.  You just loved the bath! I miss seeing you make big splashes with your little legs while we sang songs.  I miss seeing your crazy hair right after bath time!   If I didn't brush it, it would be even crazier!  

Your cute hair right after bath time(before I brushed it)  :)  SO CUTE!!

I miss you more and more everyday.......It just kills me that I can't hear your cry or laugh anymore.  I have videos of your cries and your laughs and all that talking you were doing, but that is the only way I can hear it.  I want to hear those sounds so bad right here in our home...It's not fair.  I look through your pictures everyday and I smile and cry.  Having you was the best thing that could ever happen to me....you made me a mommy.  I am so grateful that God blessed me with you.  I enjoyed every moment, every second, that we had together....I just wish more than anything that it was longer.  I know I will see you again and I will never let you go.  I hope I get to see you grow.  It hurts so much that I have to miss all those wonderful things I so longed to see you do.

Tomorrow we are going to a viewing and funeral for daddy's great grandma Wolfe.  I am sure you have already met her up in Heaven.  She is so lucky to get to be where you are.  I am not looking forward to it.  After everything we went through with you, being in a funeral home just kills me.  It brings back so many horrible memories.  I know you will be with us tomorrow.  I know you and God will shine some light on us and give us strength to get through the day.

I love you more than anything in this world.  Sleep tight baby girl.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Sorry it's been a few days...

Hi baby girl.  Sorry I haven't wrote to you here for a few days.  On Thursday, (which are usually the hardest days for me right now) I woke up with peace and actually had a descent day, probably the best one I have had thus far.  No days are great without you here, but I wasn't panicked when I woke up and I had a sense of comfort that helped me through my day.  I think what really helped was reading the Bible before I went to bed on Wednesday night.  I had peaceful thoughts going to bed and I even fell asleep better.  I wasn't constantly thinking about that horrific day or everything I am missing out on without you here.  (typically that is what happens)  I got the great advice of reading the Bible before bed from one of my mommy friends that had to unfortunately experience the same type of child loss for her precious little girl.  She has been so helpful in helping me sort out my feelings and giving me advice on what has helped her with the same type of feelings.  We love just talking about our little girls too.  Who wouldn't? :)  

Yesterday was a rough day.  I looked through all of your pictures and watched your videos and it just kills me not to have you here.  I am thankful that I was able to take all those pictures and videos of you so that I can watch/look at them.  I wish I could just be taking so many more of them!  I loved watching you grow and learn new things.  I am sure you are learning more in Heaven.  When I get to you one day, I can't wait for you to show me all you know!

Last night was Uncle Trey's senior night.  I was so sad not having you there.  I know you were there with us but I wanted to dress you in your "Uncle Trey" attire and show him your love on his special night and be able to hold you.  You would have loved when the kids threw their traditional toilet paper after the first shot.  I could just see you smiling with your tongue out as the gym was covered with toilet paper.  I cried because you weren't there and because I would never be able to see you have a senior night.  I wanted to see you have so many achievements throughout the years.  It just kills me that there were SO MANY things that I looked forward to doing with you and they have all been ripped away from me.  I know you are being taken care of, but missing you is SO HARD.  That will never go away.  It was helpful that I could talk to your Auntie Sam last night while I was having that rough moment.  She is such a good listener and the best friend that mommy could ever ask for.  She helps me out more than you know and I know you are with her too when she has hard moments too.  She is so strong for me and I know you see that.  You are SO LOVED by so many people.

Today was a more relaxed day....those are the days I enjoyed the most with you.  Being able to just be home and cuddle and play with all of your toys.  I miss that....but what don't I miss about you? Sometimes I just feel like I am going through the motions of life and I don't know how I am.  It just feels so unreal sometimes...why can't I just wake up from this nightmare and you be right here in my arms?  Everything is hard.

Tomorrow I am starting back to the school, so that means my days will be starting earlier.  But I will still be able to go and see you before I start my day.  I pray for strength tomorrow because it is so hard to be in that school where I got that horrific phone call.  I am hoping I will have so much to do from being gone for a while that I will be too busy to sit around and think of that day and the awful events that came along with it.

You are the most precious gift from God and you keep me strong everyday.  You keep me going.  I love you more than anything in this world.  See you in the morning baby girl.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight baby girl.

The first time I held you my sweet angel.  This was the best day of my life.  You made me a mommy and I am so grateful that God gave you to me.

Happy 5 months!

Happy 5 month birthday baby girl! Mommy really looked forward to taking your picture every month in your cute little month shirt and of course a bow in your hair! :)  Since our months are different now we still want to celebrate your special day to honor you! Last month we started your balloon release and we sent you notes.  I know the angels read them to you and that those balloons just made you smile!  (of course they were pink :)  )  This month you had 5 balloons!  You have so many family members that come to write you notes and we all stand and watch as the balloons go straight to you in Heaven.  You are such a loved little girl.

I know you were watching down on us as we sent you your balloons....I even see you, my angel, in the sky!! I see your little head, little ear, those round chubby cheeks, and a beautiful wing. (look at the top left corner)  I love when you send us little signs like this to let us know you are always with us and that you are ok in Heaven.  I know you have so many loved ones and God who are taking care of you.  

Baby girl, I know you are getting to be such a big girl.  I just wish you were here with me so I could watch you grow and take care of you.  You are my world.  It hurts so much that you are not here with us.  You are always on my mind and in my heart.

Last night mommy and daddy went and looked at monuments to honor you.  It is definitely not anything that we EVER wanted to buy for you.  Unfortunately this is something that we had to do.  I had to look at it as we were able to do something for you and that we were able to get something for you.  It really hurts mommy to walk into a store and not buy you an outfit or a toy.  I loved buying you things.  Now the things I buy you are a little different but I know you will appreciate them.  I know you love all the books we still buy you and read to you everyday.  We picked out a monument where mommy and daddy can surround you but you still have your own.  Your beautiful face will be on the front and your precious prayer we say every night will be on the back.  It will be beautiful, just like you.

I love you so much princess.  I hope you had the most wonderful 5 month birthday!  I miss you more and more everyday and look forward to seeing you and your beautiful smile again someday! Thank you for keeping me strong everyday.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Sleep tight baby girl.

Your 3 month photo! I can only imagine how big and how much more beautiful you are today!

Rough day :(

Hi baby girl. I know you were with mommy today because I really needed you and your love.  I had a meeting at the school today and I had so much anxiety even before the meeting because the whole environment makes me remember that horrible day and the nightmarish thoughts that it brings on. I remember the phone call, where I was, when it happened, what was said on the phone, the screams, and how I had to call to call daddy. I was so heartbroken. I was told they were "working on you." I just couldn't believe this was happening. I told myself not to think those horrible thoughts that day and asked God to protect you and asked him not to take you. The ride to the hospital I prayed and prayed. When I got to the hospital daddy was holding you with both grandmas by his side. Everyone was screaming. I took you from daddy and cried. I kissed you and asked you to come back to me. I needed you. Nothing could be more horrible. Those are all the thoughts that just one trip to that's cool gives me. I hate those thoughts more than anything! And that's not even all of them. But I knew on my way home today that you were giving me strength to be strong. I know you don't want mommy to be sad. When I have my roughest moments I have to breathe and think about your sweet little face. Your giggles and smiles make me smile. I just can't wait to see you again. I pray for you to come see me in my dreams because I miss you so much. I know the angels have told me you are ok and so happy. You are being very well taken care of until I get there to take care of you again.

Tonight, when I got home from work, daddy just hugged me. It was just what I needed to come home to. He knew my day was rough. Thank you for keeping mommy and daddy strong for you and each other. We need to stick together because this is the worst part of our lives and you are keeping us strong and growing our love. You are such a special baby.

Ellie, mommy and daddy love you more than anything in this world. Sleep tight princess. See you tomorrow.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Weekends Aren't the Same....

Yesterday Mommy and Daddy were going to go look at monuments for you (and us too) but our appointment had to be cancelled.  I had worked myself up to going to this appointment all week.  It is not anything that anyone ever wants to have to do...especially for your baby girl.  So I guess we are going to go on Tuesday instead.  After we visited you, we walked around the cemetery and visited all of our loved ones.  I know you are with all of them and they are watching over you for mommy and daddy.  You are the most precious gift from God and you deserve something so special.  I just wish it didn't have to be this.  I wish it could be toys and clothes and all kinds of LOVE, HUGS, and KISSES.  I'm so sorry baby girl.  I wish I could do anything to bring you back to me.  Unfortunately that is not an option for us.  I know you are safe with God and being taken care of, I just wish we could do it.  I know I will see you again one day...that will be the most glorious day! I will NEVER let you out of my sight! I will hug and kiss you all day!!!!

One thing that broke my heart at the cemetery yesterday were all the babies that there were.  I know how awful it is to have your baby taken away from you, but I know that you have plenty of kids to play with.  You can introduce me to them when I get there.  They are probably calling you "special baby" like they did at your baby sitter because of your wild hair and you probably stick your tongue out at them! You are too cute baby girl.

Last night your Aunt Teri, Uncle Jim and your cousins Jimmy and Delaney came over.  It was so nice to see them.  Sometimes I find myself squeezing on to them because I can't squeeze on to you.  I could just picture you playing with the kids last night.  I know you would have been having a good time....until you knew it was bed time!  You really had your schedule down and wanted to be in bed by 7:30 or 8:00 every night! You are such a good baby! It really makes me sad about all the things that I was not able to do with you here.  One thing, being able to feed you cereal or baby food.  I really looked forward to that.  I was going to make my own baby food for you.  We even have the baby bullet  and packages to make whatever your little tummy desired. I fed Delaney last night and just pictured how much you would have loved it.  You are such a good eater!  You were even starting to cute some cute little rolls to prove it :)

Today, we got up and went to church.  I love being able to go to church on Sundays because I feel a strong sense of comfort from you and God.  Every time church starts and we sing our songs...I get goosebumps.  I just know you are there singing with us.  You love singing songs and I know that would have been your favorite part of the church services.  I am so sorry we never took you to church yet.  You were colic for so long and our church is over an hour away and I just didn't have the scheduling down yet to get up and go.  The work week always just flew by and we were just sleeping in on the weekends and I wanted every minute with you that I could.  I know I shouldn't make excuses for us not going.  I feel bad.  I read you stories from the Bible and sang songs (you liked "Jesus Loves Me") but I wanted you to be able to go to church too.  I know God is telling me I shouldn't feel bad about that because He loves you and He will protect you.  He is even sharing more with you than I ever could! What a lucky little girl you are.  When I sat in church today, all I could hear was the little baby behind us talking and giggling.  It was breaking my heart and giving me so much anxiety.  I had to leave the sermon for a while because all I wanted was for that to be you.  I stepped out in the doorway just to breathe and talk to you.  I felt you surround me with your love.  I love that you are keeping me strong and wanting me to be able to smile for you.  You are a wonderful baby.  

Mommy and Daddy are just relaxing around the house tonight.  I wish you could be here with us.  These were my favorite times together....snuggling on the couch together.  I love you princess more than anything in this world.  Can't wait to come and see you in the morning!

You always make me smile! When I am having a bad day, 

I find myself looking at this picture and smiling.  You are so silly <3

WHY?

Today I got up to go and see you before I went to work.  I love starting my day off with you. I love reading you Bible verses that bless my baby girl.  I also love talking to you about our days.  I was thankful that it was warmer today...I was able to be with you longer and feel like I could keep all my toes when left ;) 55 degrees might seem cold to some people but it's better than the 2 degrees we had last week! I had a long day at work.... but kept busy (which is good for my mind).

Tonight we went to Uncle Trey's basketball game.  I know you would have loved to be sitting right on mommy's lap cheering for Uncle Trey and wearing your "I love Uncle Trey" onesie...and of course that beautiful red bow that you rocked! :) Being at that school just made me SO MAD tonight.  I have not been this mad this whole time.  I looked around that gym at every kid and baby thinking how is this even fair??  WHY can't my baby be here with me??  The sound of every baby laughing just breaks my heart.  You were just really starting to giggle and talk and I can just imagine you doing the same at the games.  I hate having this feeling of anger, but I do.  I want you here more than anything in this world! My heart will never heal.  I will always have this huge hole.  When I get these feelings that I feel like I can't control, I remind myself that I will get to see you again someday.  I can't wait to have you for ETERNITY! I have so much love to give you that you didn't get to have that long here with me.

Ellie, I love you more than anything in this world.  Please give mommy and daddy the strength that we need.  I just feel so weak although others may think we are strong.  I am just screaming and breaking more and more everyday without you here.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen"

My little pumpkin showing her love for Uncle Trey.

5 weeks

Wow.  How can this even be? It has been 5 weeks since I have been able to hold you.  This is the hardest thing that your daddy and I will ever have to go through.  I miss you more and more every day. I miss your smile.  I miss feeding you.  I miss playing with your crazy hair. I miss kissing you.  I miss mommy and Ellie days.  I miss snuggling.  I miss telling you "Good Morning Princess" every morning. I miss bath time.  I miss watching you play.  I miss your laugh.  I miss our talks.  I miss changing your diaper.  I miss changing your clothes.  I miss your smell.  I miss how you arched your back because you were mad.  I miss how impatient you got when you were hungry.  I miss taking you to the store.  I miss watching Izzy try to lick your hair when mommy wasn't looking.  I miss singing to you.  I miss reading you stories.  I miss taking your picture.  I miss saying our prayers every night.  I miss putting you to bed.  I miss those baby piggies.  I miss holding your hand.  I miss trying to tame that wild hair :) I miss laying you down for your short little naps. I miss putting all those headbands on you to just accessorize your outfits. I miss showing you off to everyone because you are the cutest baby I have ever seen.  I miss tickling you.  I miss those cheeks. I miss those rolls you were starting to get. I miss your cries.  Have I mentioned I MISS YOU?

Thursdays are such a bittersweet kind of day for me.  You were born on a Thursday....and you went home to heaven on a Thursday.  Every Thursday around 9:42 a.m. I just feel sick.  I try not to think of that day and just try to remember all the good memories that we have shared with you but it is hard to push those haunting feelings out of my mind.  That was the worst day of my life.  I just can't get the pictures and sounds out of my head from that day.  It's a nightmare.  Sometimes I feel like this is all a nightmare and I am just hoping everyday that when I get up you will be right there in your bassinet next to me, but then you aren't.  Then I realize it's real and I have to relive it everyday knowing you aren't here with me.  

Everyday I go to see you in the morning before I head to work.  It makes me feel like I can still include you as a part of my morning routine.  That was the hardest part for me to go back to work knowing that I didn't get to get up and get you ready for the day too.  So taking the hour in the morning to come see you and talk to you and read you a book starts my day off in good spirits.  I know you are looking over us everyday and just smiling.  You are taking care of us and I know God is taking care of you.  I thank God everyday for blessing us with the most precious baby girl.  We are so lucky to be your parents.  I look forward to the day when we can see you again....that will be the greatest day because then we can have you for ETERNITY!! How wonderful is that?!?

I love you more than anything in this world baby girl. Sleep tight and mommy will come see you in the morning.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night, and wake me with the morning light.  Amen"