Coloring Easter Eggs....

Hi Baby Girl--

One thing that I really wanted to do with you was to color Easter eggs.  I know that is not the meaning of Easter, but it is a fun tradition to do every Easter.  I know you would have loved it because of all the colors!  Your play mat was a bright color and had colored flashing lights on it....and you loved watching that! {Maybe it was the lights and not the colors :) }

I hope Jesus and all of the angels are telling you all about the Easter story this week.  Not having you here to celebrate this joyous occasion with will be really hard, but I am going to celebrate that day for Jesus.  I am thankful for him for dying for our sins, but I am also SO thankful for Him taking care of you! I am so blessed you are in great hands.

I wanted to share your Easter eggs with you {even though you have already seen them :) }

Here are your Easter eggs from Mommy, Daddy and your doggies :)  Can you guess which one is from who?  I bet you can :)

All of your eggs :)

Mommy has the day off tomorrow so I will be able to visit longer tomorrow! Hopefully it will be warmer!

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Sleep tight princess.  Mommy loves you more than anything <3

Silly girl :)  You just loved bath-time! You loved when we put the warm "fishy" towel on you to keep you warm :)  

3 months 20 days.....

Hi baby girl---

Mommy had a rough morning today.... When I woke up this morning the thought of 3 months and 20 days was strong on my mind. When you went to Heaven you were 3 months and 20 days.  I couldn't figure out why I was thinking that....It all started to make sense when I looked at the date today, March 26.  You have been away from Mommy and Daddy for 3 months and 20 days.   It is so hard to think that you have been gone for as long as we had you here with us. :(  That hurts so much.  I just knew when we started approaching the 4th month of you being gone, that things would start getting really hard for me.  It just doesn't make sense that you could be gone that long.  I wish I could have you here.

I hate that I have to think of things in numbers, but that is how I think of things now.  All these numbers just run through my head.....I guess that is better than the nightmare thoughts...but most of the time the numbers bring those nightmares to the surface.  

I pray that this next month of hardships goes better than I am thinking.  I hate the feeling of anxiousness and I know you and God will be with both Mommy and Daddy.

Are you looking forward to Easter?  Is Jesus telling you the meaning of Easter?  Is it a big celebration?  I can't wait for you to tell Mommy all about it.

I love you princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

Sleep tight baby girl. I will come and visit in the morning.

You are such a silly little monkey just hanging out on the couch with mommy.  You always make me smile <3

Some things are just SO hard...

Hi baby girl....

This morning at church was a little rough for me. All the pregnant mommies are starting to have their babies and there are just babies everywhere I look. Somedays I am ok being around babies, but this morning it was so heartbreaking. I just miss you more than anything :( I hate that I can't hold and love on you and give you all of my kisses. I hate that I can't hear your giggle. I hate that I can't feed you. I hate not getting you dressed in the morning. I just hate that I can't have you here. You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me and it hurts that you aren't here. I am trying so hard to adjust to this new life of mine, but it is the hardest thing ever. I know God is taking care of you so well.... He is the best! He is even helping mommy and daddy each and every day so we can be strong for you.

I had to apologize to God several times today because I wasn't listening to Pastor Jason's word very well this morning because I couldn't stop looking at all the babies that were surrounding us. I was too distracted and I felt bad.

I bet Jesus was telling you about his trip to Jerusalem today and how people were honoring him by laying their coats and palms down for him to travel in on. This week is a really big week for what Jesus did for all of us. He died for all of our sins. What a lucky girl you are to hear that story from him and know him in person. I can't wait for you to tell me all about him.

I went shopping with Grammie yesterday and all I wanted to do was go home. It hurt seeing all the pretty Easter dresses everywhere we went. I purposely didn't walk by any baby sections yesterday, but of course they put their kid dresses at the front of the store. We gave your angel a pretty dress since we can't give you one. I know you would have looked beautiful.... You always do!!

I love you SO much princess.

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight, baby girl. I'll come see you in the morning.

Your angel's pretty Easter dress <3

This picture was taken your first day at Cynthia's.  {Mommy's first day back to work and you were still happy as can be <3}

Missing your voice...

Good morning baby girl. I woke up today just missing mommy and Ellie days and hearing you tell me everything you wanted to do for the day. You were really just finding your voice and had so much to say. You found your hands and thought they were so tasty (sometimes you said they taste like lollipops) :) I loved watching you discover new things. I wish I could still watch you do that. It makes me wonder so much what you would be doing right now. How much would have grown? What new things would you show me you could do? It's so hard to even picture it because in my mind you are forever frozen my baby at 16 weeks old. And that hurts more than anything. I will never stop loving or missing you, princess. At least today is Thursday as I can come visit you for a longer time :) what book shall we read today? I guess I will make it a surprise :)

I wanted to share one my favorite videos of Miss Ellie ❤ this is how happy and excited she was in the morning. {Probably because she knew it was time to eat :) } how could waking up to her every morning not be the best thing in the world?!? I have to watch these videos of her often because I need her and she makes me smile.

{Sorry if the video looks stretched out....I am not very good at video editing to make it work for blogger lol}

Love you pumpkin!

7 month birthday....

Happy 7 month birthday baby girl! I cannot even think where all this time has gone. You are getting to be such a big girl now and I wish you were here so mommy and daddy could watch you get bigger and learn new things. What would you be doing now? Would you be saying "mama" and crawling? What kind of foods would you like? (Although I'm sure you wouldn't have been too picky.... You loved to eat!) But I know you would let us know if you didn't! You sure were a little diva with the Walter attitude :) of course I blame that on daddy ;)

You had such a beautiful balloon release today with 7 balloons! (4 pink and 3 green for St Patricks day) Your family all came to share their love to you on your special day. Mommy was so glad to have Cynthia(Ellie's babysitter) there today! She has been sending you notes every month and she wanted to come today! I know she has been having a rough time, but seeing the smile on her face today brought warmth to my heart. I know you brought us together with her so we could lean on eachother for strength. We all just love you so much! We also had a new joiner today, mommy's friend , Mariah! She sent you a note last month but came this month! I am so glad we can have people join us to celebrate you! You are more than wonderful and have changed all of our lives. I am so grateful for you. Could you tell God thank you from mommy and daddy? He gave you to us and we are so blessed. I can't wait until God reunites us again one day.

Today we had an extra celebration, it's your angel buddy, Jovi's first birthday! We sent her our love and some balloons today too! I know you girls had a big celebration with other angels and God and you watched as we celebrate both of you. You both are such precious gifts from God. I pray Jovi's family found strength and comfort as they remember why this day is so important to them... I hope I have that same strength on your birthday too, baby girl.

I love and miss you more than anything in this world. Mommy and daddy will one visit in the morning and guess what?!? You get new decorations tomorrow for Easter :)

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray The Lord my soul to keep. Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight princess 💗

Bad day just gone worse.....

Hi baby girl.....Yesterday and today have just been awful for the horrible thoughts.  I have been doing so well pushing out the nightmarish thoughts out of my mind and just remembering the good memories that you gave us and just being sad because I miss you more and more everyday.  This life is already hard enough not having you here....but the bad thoughts can just STAY AWAY.  I just couldn't figure out why all of a sudden I was having those awful thoughts from December 6th.  It was like I had to relive that whole day all day today.  It just hurt my heart so much.  It all came together when I got home after work and got the mail.  Your death certificate was in there.  I was immediately hysterical.  That hurt SOO MUCH!!!  I felt like I was in that day all over again.  Coming home without you, seeing you like you were that day, the screams, just EVERYTHING! I HATE that day more than anything.  It was like I was being prepared for that piece of crap mail the last two days.  It sucks.

I have just had so much on my mind lately.  I think about you all day EVERYDAY and it hurts mommy and daddy so much that we can't physically parent you.  We want that more than anything and we know that that is not an option that we can have with you.  (until eternity....then I will never let you go!!!)  Mommy and daddy have been thinking about having another baby....NEVER would that baby replace you or take the pain away that we don't have you here...but we know you would like a brother or sister.  They will be the luckiest baby to have their big sister always watching over them.  We just hope that God can bless us again with another precious baby just like you.  We love you.

My heart has also been sad this week as I feel for one of mommy's friends whose baby's 1st birthday is this weekend.  I am sure you have met sweet Jovi and you guys probably smile down on your mommies and daddies.  I just know how much that day will hurt me by not having you here on one of the biggest days of your life.  I just pray for her strength as she celebrates her life while we celebrate your 7 month birthday.  I hope you guys can have a birthday party together in Heaven.

So many emotions this week....I am thankful I have the day off tomorrow to just get my thoughts in order and come and see you.  I would love to be able to spend more time with you rather than having to go to work after.  Looking forward to that peaceful time with you.

I love you more than anything, princess.

One of my favorite pictures of my princess.  You definitely are a princess.  I was so excited for you to wear your tutu and the beautiful crown that Auntie Sam had made for you.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."

3 months.....

How can it even be?  3 months have gone by since you went to Heaven.  The first 3 months of your life just flew by and I kept saying you were just growing up way too fast!!  I don't even remember the last 3 months....without you here I just live in a fog.  I am surviving....but I just don't feel like I can even "live" without the most important person in my life here with me.  My mind just goes everywhere about  what my life is possibly going to look like now.  There are no guarantees for tomorrow. Once we found out we were pregnant with you, my whole life changed!  I had so many hopes for you and I looked forward to watching you grow up and be that precious little girl that would one day get married and give me some grandbabies.  But all those hopes were ripped away from me the moment you left.

I am more than thankful that God blessed us with you.  You are the most precious gift your daddy and I could ever receive.  I am also thankful that you are being so well taken care of.  I know you are having the most wonderful life in Heaven and you have so many angel friends.  I would give anything in this world to have you right here with me, but unfortunately that is not an option that I get.  But.....I do know that we will be together again one day....and I look forward to that day!! And no, I am not suicidal, but after losing a child you lose that fear of death and look forward to the day when you get to go through (or run through :) ) those Heaven gates because you have someone who is more than special to you there waiting for you! That will be the most wonderful day....I can't wait to have eternity with you.

I hope you liked the flowers that mommy brought you this morning.  I bought green ones since it's getting close to St. Patrick's Day. (and it matches all your other decorations that you have with you)  This morning was really rough for me.  It just hurt so much knowing that it was the 6th.  I hate being reminded of why I hate that date SO MUCH! I have those horrible thoughts more than I want to, but when it's the 6th (especially in the morning) I am hauntingly reminded of December 6th and everything that came along with it.  Being with you and talking to you gave me a sense of calmness before I went to work.  I was glad that I could stay busy at work today....I think God wanted it to snow so I wouldn't have to be at the school today.  I haven't been at the school on the 6th since that day....I am glad that I haven't been either, I just think that would make that day even worse.  I can't deal with those feelings.

I love you more than anything in this world princess.  I hope you sang lots of songs today and played with all of your friends.  I MISS YOU!!

I took this picture of you December 5 when we were getting ready to go for the day.  You were always such a happy little baby, especially in the morning.  I know you are continuing to make people smile.  You will make me smile for the rest of my life knowing that you are mine.