Hard day....

Yesterday was a day full of anxiety. When your sister was born, I asked the pediatrician for a sleep apnea monitor for her so I could have a little peace of mind when trying to sleep through the night. It has been a huge blessing to have that monitor for her because it lets me know if something isn't right. Yes, we have had a few false alarms where a connection would come loose, but I would take many false alarms rather then not knowing something was wrong and the worst thing ever happening again.

The night before, Livvy's monitor kept going off with the light of low heart rate on. It not only happened once, but it happened 5 times throughout the night. Of course I panic and think the most awful thoughts and call the apnea company (since the ped would want to know what their settings were first) first thing in the morning.  Of course it took them forever to call me back and the alarm still went off through her morning nap. Finally, after a couple of hours, they called and explained that she is just growing and the setting on the monitor is still set to newborn. After they check the monitor every month, they look at where her resting heat rate is and change the monitor to her "normal." I guess it wasn't done last time bc the dr hadn't ordered it yet! Ugh! So after a day full of worry, she is healthy and safe right here beside me. 

It's crazy how after you went to heaven how quickly anxiety and worry sets in and I start to think the worst. I just have to tell myself to breathe and pray to God that everything will be alright. I know you are always watching over us and that makes me feel comfort. One of the hardest things I am trying to overcome is to "have faith, not fear." It's so hard to just let go when we have been through the worst thing imaginable on this earth. It's a constant struggle, but I am working on it. There is no time limit to my feelings and I know some days will be harder than others, but I know I can always count on my faith to get me through. I know that is how I have made it this far and I am thankful for that. 

I miss you more and more each day, Ellie. Your sister does so many things like you and it makes me smile and melts my heart. I feel like you have taught her some of these things (like sticking your tongue out) because you want to see mommy smile. And it works :) she has the best big sister in the world to look up to. I am more than blessed to have you both ❤️

I love you so much, pretty girl. 

Livvy sticking her tongue out at mommy :)

Just like you :)