Asking God What.....

Last week, I made a blog post about a church service that we had about asking God "what" rather than "why."  I have been changing the way that I talk to God and have tried really hard all week not to ask him "Why?"  This week I have been asking more "What" questions....such as.... What can you do for Marc and I as we go through this journey?  What is it that I need to know?  What is Ellie up to?  What do we need to stay strong and get through this grief together?   It was really hard to ask God these questions because I was so used to asking him Why?  But I was not getting any answers and I wasn't feeling better by asking him Why.

On Friday, Auntie Sam went to grad school (for Speech Pathology) and had a seminar presented by a Geneticist and an Audiologist.  Their presentation was on hearing loss and all the syndromes that can be present along with it.  You had a slight hearing loss in your left ear(by your birthmark), but we were told that it was slight enough not to worry about it and that you probably didn't even notice it.  We were going to take you back at 9 months for another hearing screen.  One thing that Auntie Sam learned was that even a slight hearing loss can have something to do with the kidneys.  Which concerned me because you were jaundice when you were born and we had to have your poor little feet pricked for the first 3 days that you were home :(  (Jaundice has to do with the kidneys). Auntie Sam talked to the geneticist after the seminar and told him all about you (the hearing loss, the jaundice and colic). He immediately rambled off some kind of syndrome.  He said it could also not be that, but would like to meet mommy and daddy so we can do genetic testing to see if we are carriers of that syndrome.  He also stated that this type of syndrome can be treated with medicine.  That makes me so mad and so sad all at the same time.  If this is what it was, then we could have done something for you.  I asked so many times about your hearing loss and was so worried about your jaundice and colic.  Every pediatrician and audiologist that we talked to said they were all fine and they were nothing to worry about.  I was still concerned, but I believed them because they are the medical professionals.  I don't at all blame them either because MAYBE they didn't know that syndromes like this even exist from the symptoms that you had.  I cannot blame them and I cannot blame myself.  But I want you to know that I would have done ANYTHING baby girl if I would have known.  This could possibly be an answer, but we could also be right back where we are with nothing....and I am okay with that because I have been dealing with that for the last month.  I don't at all accept it because I just don't believe you can go to Heaven for NOTHING when you were the healthiest little baby that I knew and that the toxicology report described.

Is this WHAT God wants me to know?  Does He want me to be an advocate for all the little babies that could be like you?  I truly feel that we were presented with this information because God was answering my prayers. He is so amazing and I am so blessed that He is taking care of you until we are together again.  My love for you and God grows stronger everyday.  I am blessed and so thankful <3

I miss you more than anything in this world pumpkin.  Love you princess <3

This is the outfit that mommy got for Auntie Sam for Jack to wear.  He wore it when he was 3 months old and so did you <3  Of course we have the cutest babies and of course they would wear an "I Love Mommy" onesie :)