Honoring and Remembering You....

Hi baby girl.  Sorry it's been a while since I have been able to write. My emotions have just been everywhere these past couple of weeks.  I know I will always have times where things seem to be harder than what they are at other times but I feel like I just can't get that break these last couple of weeks.  Basically ever since I got your toxicology report.  I didn't get any answers and I just feel so lost everywhere in my life.  Everything is so hard without you.  My heart will truly be broken for the rest of my life here on earth.  I feel that the only way that hole will ever heal is when I get to see you again in Heaven.  I always hear people say...."Things will get better with time."  I just don't feel like they will.  I think the rawness of the whole nightmare will be the other thing that might possibly get a small bit better....but not having you here and missing you will never get better.  I feel like those things get harder with each day that passes.

Last weekend, Daddy and I cleaned the house (we haven't had the best cleaning skills lately....we just don't have the energy to do it).  I went upstairs by your room and your laundry basket was sitting by your room just like it was the week you left us.  I thought...maybe I could just put those clothes away that were in that basket. (We still have the last load I did of yours washed and on the dryer and all your dirty clothes are still in your basket).  I picked up the basket and carried it into your room from the loft and immediately was hysterical.  I didn't even take anything out of it, all I did was carry it into your room.  Some people might say that was nothing....but that was a HUGE step for me.  I know it will take baby steps with everything that I do without you here, but that hurt so much.  I want things to be just the way they were when you were here.  I thought if I put your clothes in your drawers that it would be ok because I still had them out in your room, but I guess not.  And that's ok.  That step of taking the clothes into your room was big enough for me.  There is no time on when I need to do things...I will do them at my own pace with you and God by my side.

We also got to decorate for Valentine's for you!  I think you just love it. <3  

Yesterday was a day that was full of so many emotions.  It was the date that marked not being able to hold my baby for 2 SUPER LONG months and we also got to honor you with a blood drive held in mommy and daddy's hometown in your name.  I was glad that the blood drive was on the 6th because that day is always so hard and brings back so many horrible memories of December 6, but having something on that day to honor and remember you by helped get me through the day with better thoughts.  I just know you were looking down on everyone yesterday smiling knowing that because of all the people that LOVE you we could help save lives of other people through our donations.  92 people came and donated blood yesterday in honor of you! :)  What a precious little girl you are for helping others.  You are a beautiful angel and your mommy and daddy are so proud of you.  We will continue to honor you for the rest of our lives here on earth.

The memorial wall the church created from the people who were donating :)

Mommy and Daddy gave blood and helped at the blood drive all day!  I have never given blood before because my veins are very tiny....(I was in pain from the big needle), but I sucked it up and did it for my baby so she could help others.

Tonight mommy and daddy are going to go see the draft of our family headstone...not something we ever wanted....but I want to see what you will have with you that we can honor you by.  I wish it was something else we could give you, but we don't have that option right now.  When we are done with that, we are going to our monthly parent support group.  We are trying to stay strong for you.  Thank you for that strength you give us everyday.  I love you more than anything princess and I miss you SO MUCH!!

Hugs and kisses all the way to Heaven from mommy and daddy  XOXOXOXO