Life is SO HARD. Something that I am thankful for for you is that you are in Heaven and you are healthy, safe and don't have the worries that we do here on Earth. I am thankful that you don't have to have any hardships there. I know you look down on us everyday and send us your love. I feel it. Please keep sending me signs....I pray that you will visit me in my dreams. I have dreams about you, but I am only talking about you and never get to actually see you.
This week has been a "better" week in a sense that I don't feel like I am an uncontrollable emotional disaster. But this week has also been hard in the "dealing with loss" department. Daddy's step Uncle (Randy) and Step Grandpa (Willie) passed away Friday and Monday this week. With every loss, it is so hard. It brings up so many awful memories and feelings from what we had to do with you. I pray for strength for us to get through these funerals. At the viewing the other day, they played the song "Amazing Grace" and I lost it. That was one song I requested for your funeral because that was my grandpa's favorite song. I felt bad leaving the family so quickly, but I just couldn't handle it. You are my precious baby and hearing that song just brought back those horrific thoughts from that day. I just feel so weak with all of my emotions. I do have do say that I was jealous that they got to meet you in Heaven. I know they hugged you for daddy and I and that they will watch over you until I get there one day. That is the only thing that brings a smile on my face....knowing I will get to be with you for ETERNITY!!!
On Sunday, we had the best service at church. I was pretty sure that he was doing this sermon just for me. He talked about the storms that we go through in life and how we need not to ask God WHY but to ask him WHAT he can do for us to walk us through these storms that we encounter. The WHY question is just so heavy on my mind everyday! I know God doesn't want us to question WHY he does things, but it is just a natural human reaction. I am so glad Pastor Jason gave me another way to think of things and to pray for things.
Princess, I hope you are singing your songs everyday and getting to play with all of your new friends in Heaven. I can't wait to meet them either......and for you to show me everything you have learned!
I love and miss you MORE THAN ANYTHING!!! Sleep tight princess.
A picture of you after your first bath at home! You weren't so fond of the first one, but you grew to love them!
Love the picture!! She's so sweet!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with going through the motions. I have weeks that will pass by and I don't really know where they went. I think it's pretty normal. I hate that you have to do this. I will tell you that, in the midst of all this, you'll start to have joy again. You will start living. You will start seeing God's grace... I think of you so often. Thanks for putting your thoughts where we all can read them.
So sorry about all the losses this week. Ugh. Nothing like bringing back those first few weeks of just raw, unfiltered grief, huh? I'll be praying for you for th services as I know they'll be hard. You can do it, Momma. You are strong.
Thank you so much Molly. I am so glad that I found your blog and that you inspired me to make my own. It feels so good to get my feelings out and be able to share/even help other people through my journey, even when it is not a fun one.
DeleteI am thinking of you this week. These losses are so hard in general, but even after our babies they are even harder. Praying for you and your family <3