Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Bad day just gone worse.....

Hi baby girl.....Yesterday and today have just been awful for the horrible thoughts.  I have been doing so well pushing out the nightmarish thoughts out of my mind and just remembering the good memories that you gave us and just being sad because I miss you more and more everyday.  This life is already hard enough not having you here....but the bad thoughts can just STAY AWAY.  I just couldn't figure out why all of a sudden I was having those awful thoughts from December 6th.  It was like I had to relive that whole day all day today.  It just hurt my heart so much.  It all came together when I got home after work and got the mail.  Your death certificate was in there.  I was immediately hysterical.  That hurt SOO MUCH!!!  I felt like I was in that day all over again.  Coming home without you, seeing you like you were that day, the screams, just EVERYTHING! I HATE that day more than anything.  It was like I was being prepared for that piece of crap mail the last two days.  It sucks.

 I have just had so much on my mind lately.  I think about you all day EVERYDAY and it hurts mommy and daddy so much that we can't physically parent you.  We want that more than anything and we know that that is not an option that we can have with you.  (until eternity....then I will never let you go!!!)  Mommy and daddy have been thinking about having another baby....NEVER would that baby replace you or take the pain away that we don't have you here...but we know you would like a brother or sister.  They will be the luckiest baby to have their big sister always watching over them.  We just hope that God can bless us again with another precious baby just like you.  We love you.

 My heart has also been sad this week as I feel for one of mommy's friends whose baby's 1st birthday is this weekend.  I am sure you have met sweet Jovi and you guys probably smile down on your mommies and daddies.  I just know how much that day will hurt me by not having you here on one of the biggest days of your life.  I just pray for her strength as she celebrates her life while we celebrate your 7 month birthday.  I hope you guys can have a birthday party together in Heaven.

 So many emotions this week....I am thankful I have the day off tomorrow to just get my thoughts in order and come and see you.  I would love to be able to spend more time with you rather than having to go to work after.  Looking forward to that peaceful time with you.

 I love you more than anything, princess.
One of my favorite pictures of my princess.  You definitely are a princess.  I was so excited for you to wear your tutu and the beautiful crown that Auntie Sam had made for you.


"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen."
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3 comments:

  1. shelbywalterMarch 13, 2013 at 6:37 PM

    Ellie is going to be the best big sister & and how lucky that baby will be to have her as a sister!!

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  2. MollyMarch 18, 2013 at 4:16 PM

    Oh, Brooke. That death certificate is a very hard one to swallow to say the least. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to get that in the mail at all. Ugh. I'm so sorry you have to relive the day Ellie went to Heaven... Over and over and over again. It's so unfair.

    I know Ellie will love to be a big sister and that this new little baby will be so blessed to have you as her mommy. I'm praying for you guys.

    Thanks for the sweet shout out. It's crazy how now we not only grieve for our babies but others now, too. Know I think of you and pretty Ellie baby, often. I love the picture of her with that darling tiara! One of my favorites, maybe!

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    Replies
    1. ellie'smommyMarch 18, 2013 at 5:22 PM

      Reliving that day hurts so much. That's why I want to get her headstone done so hopefully I won't have to relive many of those days. I know I will have hard days or weeks for the rest of my life but having something to remind you of that day sucks.

      We pray this is our month <3 thank you for your prayers too.

      You are so right.... We do grieve for eachother. We know how much the feelings hurt and having to see someone else have those feelings just hurts my heart that they too have to have that pain! Ugh! It's awful... But I'm thankful we have eachother to lean on :)

      Thank you! I absolutley just love that princess photo.. But what photo do I not love of her?!? :)

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