Sorry it's been a few days...

Hi baby girl.  Sorry I haven't wrote to you here for a few days.  On Thursday, (which are usually the hardest days for me right now) I woke up with peace and actually had a descent day, probably the best one I have had thus far.  No days are great without you here, but I wasn't panicked when I woke up and I had a sense of comfort that helped me through my day.  I think what really helped was reading the Bible before I went to bed on Wednesday night.  I had peaceful thoughts going to bed and I even fell asleep better.  I wasn't constantly thinking about that horrific day or everything I am missing out on without you here.  (typically that is what happens)  I got the great advice of reading the Bible before bed from one of my mommy friends that had to unfortunately experience the same type of child loss for her precious little girl.  She has been so helpful in helping me sort out my feelings and giving me advice on what has helped her with the same type of feelings.  We love just talking about our little girls too.  Who wouldn't? :)  

Yesterday was a rough day.  I looked through all of your pictures and watched your videos and it just kills me not to have you here.  I am thankful that I was able to take all those pictures and videos of you so that I can watch/look at them.  I wish I could just be taking so many more of them!  I loved watching you grow and learn new things.  I am sure you are learning more in Heaven.  When I get to you one day, I can't wait for you to show me all you know!

Last night was Uncle Trey's senior night.  I was so sad not having you there.  I know you were there with us but I wanted to dress you in your "Uncle Trey" attire and show him your love on his special night and be able to hold you.  You would have loved when the kids threw their traditional toilet paper after the first shot.  I could just see you smiling with your tongue out as the gym was covered with toilet paper.  I cried because you weren't there and because I would never be able to see you have a senior night.  I wanted to see you have so many achievements throughout the years.  It just kills me that there were SO MANY things that I looked forward to doing with you and they have all been ripped away from me.  I know you are being taken care of, but missing you is SO HARD.  That will never go away.  It was helpful that I could talk to your Auntie Sam last night while I was having that rough moment.  She is such a good listener and the best friend that mommy could ever ask for.  She helps me out more than you know and I know you are with her too when she has hard moments too.  She is so strong for me and I know you see that.  You are SO LOVED by so many people.

Today was a more relaxed day....those are the days I enjoyed the most with you.  Being able to just be home and cuddle and play with all of your toys.  I miss that....but what don't I miss about you? Sometimes I just feel like I am going through the motions of life and I don't know how I am.  It just feels so unreal sometimes...why can't I just wake up from this nightmare and you be right here in my arms?  Everything is hard.

Tomorrow I am starting back to the school, so that means my days will be starting earlier.  But I will still be able to go and see you before I start my day.  I pray for strength tomorrow because it is so hard to be in that school where I got that horrific phone call.  I am hoping I will have so much to do from being gone for a while that I will be too busy to sit around and think of that day and the awful events that came along with it.

You are the most precious gift from God and you keep me strong everyday.  You keep me going.  I love you more than anything in this world.  See you in the morning baby girl.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

Sleep tight baby girl.

The first time I held you my sweet angel.  This was the best day of my life.  You made me a mommy and I am so grateful that God gave you to me.