Toxicology....

Hi precious girl.... I have had such an interesting week to say the least.  Yesterday should have been a good day knowing I would have two days off after I got off of work, but it wasn't.  While on my way home from work I got a phone call from the coroner...your toxicology reports came back.  He wasn't going to be able to meet with mommy and daddy until Monday, but since I knew they were in I had to ask him to tell me about it briefly because I would have been an anxious mess all weekend.  (Not that I haven't been emotional all weekend about them anyways)  He told me that they found NOTHING and the cause was SIDS.   How can that even be?!?  I told myself that they probably wouldn't have answers for us and everyone kept telling me that I probably wouldn't but there was a small hope that I would.  I didn't want anything to be wrong with you because that would have hurt too knowing that you were hurting but any kind of answer would have given me some sense of ease.  Knowing nothing just has my mind running in all directions all the time.  I can't even begin to understand any of this.  He told me you were perfectly healthy.  You had everything that you needed, everything worked properly and was in the right place, you didn't even have the slightest bit of a cold.  He also said your serotonin levels came back normal too. (I asked that they checked that since I had done so much research about SIDS and serotonin levels)  You were perfect.  But you already knew that you were perfect to mommy and daddy and you still are. I just don't get any of this at all.  I don't know how you could be perfectly healthy one minute and in Heaven the next.  You had so much life ahead of you and we had so many plans for you.  I guess God had a different plan.  I am not mad at God.  I have more faith now than I ever have before and I know He is taking great care of you until I can be with you again.  The thought of being able to be with you for ETERNITY keeps me going.  You give me the strength to keep going.  What a precious little angel you are.  I am so blessed to be your mommy.

I was able to go out with your grammie today and just have a girls day.  It was just what I was needing...I just felt like something was missing all day....YOU!  You were such a good little shopping buddy with mommy and grammie and I loved taking you places.  I just miss you so much.  I know you are watching down on me and trying to keep me strong.  On our way home today (it was pretty cloudy out) the sun came out so quick and was shining in on me and I got butterflies in my stomach.  I just knew it was you telling me it was ok and you are doing so well.  I love all these little signs that you give me.  I need them.  You just know when I need them the most.  Please don't ever stop giving those to me.  I enjoy every little bit of them.

One of our many shopping trips on a Saturday with Grammie :)  You are such a stylin' little diva :)

Tonight we came upstairs to lay in bed and your favorite little doggie, Izzy, has been breaking my heart.  She just misses you so much too.  She jumped in your bassinet that still sits by mommy's bed and sniffed around just looking for you.  She just sat in there with such a sad face and I know she just wonders where you are and she misses you so much.  She loves when I take her to go and see you.  She just sits right there with you.  You know your other doggie Muffy just isn't quite the same.  She loves you differently...she just would rather lay by herself :)

She misses you....

I love you so much baby girl.  Sleep tight and mommy and daddy will come and see you in the morning before church.

"Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  Guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Amen.